Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters
by Elladora D. Jobberknoll
Summary: Elladora is now a wonderful interviewer of Harry Potter characters! But is that really a good thing? Character humiliation! Scandal! Laughs! Craziness! Snog requests! And perhaps the most crazy of all ... Voldemort as a cameraman?
1. Episode 1

**Diclaimer-** I highly doubt J.K. Rowling would want to own this insanity.

**Authoress' Note- **Hi. If you like serious fanfics, STOP reading now! This fic is not met to be taken seriously and is just the product of my weird mind and my desire to meet and greet with the HP characters! Please read and review!**- E.D.J. **

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"Hello and welcome to Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters! This show includes Harry, Ron, Hermione, the Marauders as teenagers, plus a few more characters may pop in over time! Now let's give a big welcome to Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger!" says Elladora.

The Golden Trio comes on stage blinking and looking dazed as loud clapping and cheering ensues

"How did we get here?" asks Harry.

Ron rubs his head. "Beats me mate."

"I think that whacked out girl who's spastically jumping up and down is interviewing us," says Hermione.

Elladora skips happily over to where the trio is sitting.

Elladora squeals, "I am such a huge fan! You're even cooler in person!"

Elladora jumps up and hugs all three of bewildered trio.

Ron asks, "Uh...hi... who are you?"

"Oh yeah! Hi I'm Elladora the authoress and interviewer of this fanfic!" Elladora bows.

"Fanfic?" asks Harry.

"Oh I'd better explain that." Elladora pauses. "Well I can't! So anyway... just go with it!"

Ron is confused. "With what?"

Elladora ignores Ron. 'So Harry, what's it like being so famous?"

Elladora sits staring intensely at Harry.

"It's ok I guess."

"Do people like mob you in the streets and stuff?"

"Er... no."

"Well you're sure chatty."

"..................................."

Elladora turns to Ron. "So Ron, confessed any feelings to Hermione? Or what about you Harry?"

Ron and Harry both make wretching noises. "What feelings?????"

Ron glares at Harry who looks taken aback.

Elladora grins slyly. "You both know what I mean. Hermione, how about you? Got any juicy tidbits to share about a crush on Harry or Ron?"

Hermione goes red. "What?! I have Victor!"

Ron's face darkens. "Oh yeah she has "Vicky"!"

Elladora smiles slyly. "Jealous are we, Ronnie?"

Ron blushse. "No! I just really hate that Krum guy!"

Hermionejumps up angrily. "You promised you'd stop calling him Vicky!"

Ron dances around and shouts, "Vicky! Vicky! Vicky! Vicky! Vicky!"

Hermione pulls out her wand. "Rabbituous!"

Ron vanishes and in his place is a large pink rabbit.

Harrypicks up rabbit. "Nice going Ron! Uh Elladora more questions?"

Elladora ignores Harry, stares at Hermione. "Oooh can I play with your wand?"

"No."

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaze?????????"

"NO!"

Elladora pouts. "You're so mean! I want the wand!"

Elladora dives at Hermione grabbing for the wand. Hermione jumps out of the way just in time and runs straight into Harry causing him to drop Rabbit Ron. Ron promptly runs toward backstage. Hermione has since dropped her wand after her head-on collision with Harry.

Elladora grabs Hermione's wand. "I am the wand wielder! Fear me!"

"Damn! Run Harry!" shouts Hermione.

Elladora cackles manically and runs straight at Harry and Hermione who quickly run away as Elladora begins shooting beams of purple light at their feet

The cameraman steps in front of the screen hiding the chaos from sight. "I'm sorry this program must be interrupted because our interviewer and authoress Elladora is currently chasing two of our guests around the set and is shooting beams of purple light at them. Plus we have a pink rabbit to catch! Until next time!"

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**Just a note-** I promise the next episode is sooooooo much funnier than this one! It has the Marauders and Lily and I write better with them then with the Golden Trio! Don't believe me? Ask the dishes cough other readers/reviewers! **E.D.J.**


	2. Episode 2

**Disclaimer-** Ms. Rowling rocks and owns all of the brilliant characters!

Read, review, and eat some Chocolate Frogs! **E.D.J.**

* * *

"Welcome back to Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter characters! I have recently recovered from my fit of insanity and Miss Granger and Mr. Potter are relatively unharmed. They are, however, receiving medical treatment at St. Mungo's for some er... minor injuries." Elladora begins muttering. "I really don't think giant purple boils and skull fractures is anything to cry about. It was Potter's fault they ran into that light post." Elladora returns to normal speaking voice. "Mr. Weasley has been caught and untransfigured from a pink rabbit, but he still continually insists on hopping around set screaming 'Vicky!'"

Ron hops past camera and shouts "Vicky!".

"Today's guests are the Marauders and Miss Lily Evans!"

Five teenagers walk onstage to loud cheers and hoots. Sirius and James sit down and smile charmingly at authoress and interviewer Elladora while the other three look slightly embarrassed.

"Hi I'm Elladora your interviewer and authoress!"

"Authoress?" asks Remus.

Elladora sighs. "Yes, sadly this is all completely fictional. Except me of course... and this plate of raisins. Mmm raisins!" Elladora eats raisin.

"I'm not fictional!" says Sirius angrily.

Sirius rocks back and forth repeating, "I'm not fictional, I'm not fictional!"

Elladora gives a loud, indignant sniff. "Fine! Be in denial! That will only lead you to more emotional pain!" Pauses. "What are we doing? Questions! Lily, why is James Potter the most annoying person on the planet?"

"He's arrogant, self-centered, rude..."

Elladora interrupts. "Yeah, but he makes up for all that with his hot looks. Am I right?"

"NO!"

James nods in agreement. "Most definitely. That's true. I agree."

Lily rolls her eyes. "Of course you'd agree with her opinion! You'd agree not to eat a turkey sandwich if it complimented you first!"

Elladora rolls her eyes too. "But I'm not a turkey sandwich, I'm the authoress and interviewer and everyone agrees with what I say!"

"Well I DON'T agree!" retorts Lily.

"Oh yeah? Maybe this will change your mind!" says Elladora angrily.

Elladora snaps fingers and a large giant bearing the nametag Grawp- Security appears and grabs Lily by her hair and swings her around his head numerous times.

Lily screams, "Ok, ok it's true! I agree with you!"

Elladora nods at Grawp who promptly drops Lily and break-dances off stage.

Lily, sulkily fingering her messed up hair, mutters, "You're such a witch."

"I'll take that as a compliment because in fact you're a witch too!" says Elladora patiently.

"Damn that insult doesn't work around magic people."

James smiles smugly. "So Evans, you really think I'm hot?"

"Not on your life Potter. I just said that so she'd get that giant to drop me!"

Elladora nods at James and mouths "She's lying."

James grins. "Whatever Evans."

"James, maybe you should go out with someone who isn't in denial. They end up like that." Elladora nods at Sirius who is still rocking back and forth muttering, "I'm not fictional!".

Elladora smiles flirtatiously at James who grins back. Lily looks on, her face and angry shade of red.

Elladora moves closes to James. "James, you're so handsome. I don't care if you're arrogant and self-centered!"

"Yeah........." says James in a dazed voice.

They continue moving closer until Lily jumps up and pushes Elladora backwards causing our lovely authoress and interviewer to fall onto the ground.

"No he's mine!" shouts Lily.

"What?!" gasps the reader audience.

Elladora brushes herself off. "I knew that would make her jealous!"

"What?!" gasps the reader audience again.

"You mean you don't really like me?" says James with a slight pout.

"Well I knew you and Lily are meant to be so I just helped you guys along."

Lily stands turning red as everyone stares. She grabs James and kisses him passionately before exiting offstage to loud hoots and cheers. James runs after her looking very happy.

Sirius has currently stopped rocking back and forth and muttering, "I'm not fictional!"

Sirius whines, "Why does Prongsie get to be the one who gets snogged?"

"And why are Peter and I the ones who don't get to talk ever?" Remus cuts in.

Elladora sighs for the three hundred and twenty-seventh time. "Because I'm the authoress and you guys currently aren't necessary to the barely visible plot of this episode!"

"Fine! This is stupid!" shouts Peter with a indignant shake of his head.

Remus and Peter walk off in a huff and decide to go the nearest ice-cream parlor to drown their sorrows.

Sirius is still whining. "Why does Prongs get to be snogged? I'm hot too!"

"Yes you are!"

Elladora snogs Sirius.

The cameraman steps in front of the camera blocking the chaotic scene involving many jealous Sirius Black fans. "Well that's the end of our episode because our interviewer and authoress Elladora is currently snogging our psychotic guest who claims he isn't fictional! Two of our other guests are snogging backstage somewhere and the other two are off eating ice cream and feeling sorry for themselves! Keep watching and remember I-am-really-Lord-Voldemort-in-a-cameraman-disguise-and-I am-waiting-for-the-perfect-moment-to-kill-that-brat-Harry-Potter! Mwhahahahahahahahaha......................."

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Sirius, James, and Remus are all dreamy! Sigh............ Next episode will have Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle! Please review and tell me anything you'd like me to ask or torture them with!** E.D.J.**


	3. Episode 3

**Disclaimer-** I still don't think Ms. Rowling would want to own this but you never know right? Maybe she has a weird sense of humor too.

**Authoress's Note- **Thank you to my new readers!! If you actually take this seriously I will be forced to quote the ultracoolest Canadian band ever, Barenaked Ladies, who are, in fact, guys and say, "_Come on now now! Come on now now! Enjoy the humor of the situation!_" Anyone who is Canadian and/or loves this band will earn 10,000 points for the Hogwarts House of their choice even Slytherin who I despise with all of the crazyness! (Though if any people decide to give their earned points to Slytherin I will be forced to subract 30,000 points from them for being slimy gits) Thank you and dream sweet dreams! **E.D.J.**

**frifri-** Yeah Sirius is hot (dreamy), but in the movie he was supposed to be on the run and been living in Azkaban for 12 years so I suppose he'd look scary and icky.

**loonygrl90-**Please read the area below to get your answer about some snogtime with Sirius.

**The Ketchup Flavored Chip-** No I am not a psycho (though my friends don't seem to agree). I must ponder this because I DID have an hour long argument online with my best friend about who was crazy and was a bigger dork and I seemed to be the more favored one for these positions. Anyway ketchup flavored chips?! I hate ketchup so chips flavored like ketchup VOMIT! You must be Canadian and how do I know this? Because I was just in Canada and they had Ketchup flavored chips which I have never seen before in the U.S. so I doubt that your American (and if you are American I apologize for assuming your nationality). Actually they could have ketchup flavored chips in other countries I suppose but I've only seen them in Canada.

* * *

Please read this everyone!!!! Or else you will be confused toward the end of this episode!!! 

**Elladora**: Concerning loongrl90's request to snog Sirius, I have decided to selflessly give him up!! mutters Remus's hotter anyway!!

(Elladora snaps fingers and Sirius Black and Remus Lupin appear. Sirius is standing but Remus however is tied to an armchair.)

**Elladora**: Loonygrl90 he's all yours! I have Remus! (Elladora snogs Remus who is still tied to the armchair)

**Loonygrl90**-Yay! (runs out of audience and drags Sirius away)

**Just a Note- **If anyone else has any requests, I may or may not decide to full fill them. Depends on the comedy value that the wish fullment may bring. Anyway to the actual episode.

(**End Authoress's Note)**

* * *

Elladora taps top the of her lovely purple-tinged wand. "Hey is this thing on? Oh well, _Sonorus_! Hello and welcome back! Of course you know I'm your crazy but wonderful interviewer and authoress Elladora! We have some very special guests today! Let's hear what you have to say about Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe, and Gregory Goyle!" (**A/N- Ya'll better have read the above scene because otherwise you will be confused! Even more than you should be!)**

Boos and hisses come from the crowd (and the authoress) as the three boys enter. Draco smirks at crowd while Crabbe and Goyle stare and drool in a dim fashion. Draco sits down, but Crabbe and Goyle just keep staring AND drooling.

Draco shouts, "Sit down, you idiots!"

Crabbe and Goyle sit.

Elladora says very coolly, "Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle I'm Elladora, interviewer, authoress, and major Harry Potter fan."

"You're a fan of Scarhead?" asks Draco.

He laughs along with Crabbe and Goyle.

Elladora smirks at audience and snaps fingers. Crabbe and Goyle are now hanging from the rafters singing the Hogwarts school song in squeaky high- pitched voices.

"Something funny Draco?"

Draco shakes his head vigorously. "No nothing." He smiles charmingly. "I believe you had some questions for us?"

Elladora snaps fingers and C & G fall from the rafters with a loud crash leaving a large crater in the middle of the stage while Draco continues to smile charmingly at our authoress.

Elladora smirks. "Sorry Ferret Boy, you're little charms don't work with me. You're a little bullying scumbag."

Reader audience gasps angrily at this because of course everyone knows that Draco is just a misunderstood/abused little boy who really want to turn good even though there is no canon evidence of any of this ever happening.

Elladora sighs. "Oh come on! Would any of you pity Malfoy and dream up all this 'good' stuff about him if Tom Felton wasn't hot?"

Audience nods. "Yeah, she's got a point."

Elladora smiles, relieved. "Exactly! So Crabbe, Goyle why are you two so stupid and dimwitted?"

"Oh we're really quite an intelligent pair, but Draco likes to feel superior to others," says Goyle in a suprisingly intellectual voice.

Crabbe nods. "I agree completely. Draco has some self-esteem issues."

Everyone gapes at this new discovery about Crabbe and Goyle.

Draco stamps his foot. "I do not have self-esteem issues!"

Elladora becomes "The Psychiatrist Witch-Helping Everyone Including Slimy Blonde Gits!"

"Well these intelligent young men seem to believe quite the contrary." Crabbe and Goyle nod. "Would you care to enlighten us, Draco?"

Draco begins sobbing. "Alright! I can't stop comparing myself to others. Especially Potty..." Elladora and newly enlightened audience glare. "Er... Potter because he's so famous and everyone loves him! Nobody cares about me or even likes me! I just wanna be LOVED!!!!!!!"

Elladora snaps fingers and tissues appear.

Draco sniffles. "Thanks."

Elladora rolls her eyes. Whatever Draco. I just didn't want you to ruin our new floors with all the waterworks. But you know what? I know someone who likes you!"

"Who?"

Elladora snaps her fingers. "Pansy Parkinson!"

Pansy appears and true to canon proof is pug-faced and not some gorgeous girl who everyone even non-Slytherins thinks is hot. (Wow people really need to read their copies of Harry Potter more!)

"Oh Draco! I'm here!" Pansy grabs Draco and kisses him all over and coos over him.

Draco glares at Elladora. "You ARE evil. I finally got rid of her last year!"

Elladora shrugs while wearing a little evil grin. "Well you're evil always, I'm evil sometimes I think everything evens out eventually. I would recommend counseling for those self-esteem issues Draco ol' boy."

Elladora snaps fingers and a shrink with huge glasses and who looks suspiciously like Professor Trelawney appears and starts analyzing Draco.

"Can we depart now that Draco is currently occupied by his lovesick ex-girlfriend and that shrink who looks suspiciously like Professor Trelawney?" asks Crabbe.

Elladora stares blankly. "Oh.... sorry. I've just never heard that many words come out of your mouth at one time!"

Goyle nods. "I know. It's surprising when all you've seen of us is big, dumb thugs and moss-covered boulders."

"You know what? You guys don't need to pretend to be dumb to help Draco feel good about himself! You guys can become part of my Crazy Chats Crew!!!!" says Elladora excitedly.

"Brilliant! We can put our intelligence to full use!" exclaims Goyle.

Elladora glances around nervously. "Well actually the crew just puts up and takes down the set when I'm not interviewing."

"Oh well that sounds fun too!" says Goyle excitedly.

Elladora jumps up excitedly. "Yay! Well I think I've done enough damage for one episode! You know reuniting Draco and Pansy, getting Draco into therapy with that shrink who looks suspiciously like Professor Trelawney, and robbing Draco of his two thugs!"

Elladora snaps fingers and Remus Lupin appears still tied to that armchair. "Come on Remus we're taking these boys out for ice cream!"

They all leave with Elladora dragging Remus and his chair behind her.

Cameraman steps out. "Well that's the end of our show for now! Our interviewer and authoress, the wonderfully crazy Elladora is off eating ice cream with two Slytherin thugs and a drool worthy Marauder tied to an armchair! Also Draco Malfoy is currently in therapy with his clingy ex-girlfriend Pansy and a shrink who looks suspiciously like Professor Trelawney! Bye! Where is that Potter????? Grrrr.........."

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Hello! What did you think? Please review! Next episode will probably include Hogwarts teachers including Snape, McGonagall, and Dumbledore! Please add suggestions for this episode to your reviews! Any comical questions you would like me to ask certain characters or any comical scenes you would like happening to characters please feel free to add to your review! Input helps me stimulate the crazyiness part of my brain! Review! Ciao! **E.D.J.**

Note- Yes anyone whose reading this for a second, third, fourth, etc... time, I edited out the Orlando Bloom bit for Remus since apparently celebrity appearances in fics are a no-no on Fanfiction. I decided I'd rather change the fic than get kicked off! **  
**


	4. Episode 4

**Disclaimer-** Yeah too insane to be J.K. Rowling's.

**Authoress' Note-**I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!! RUN IN TERROR!** E.D.J.**

**Thank you to my reviewers!**

**frifri**- I kinda used your idea, but I twisted it around a bit.

**anniePADFOOT**-See below for the answer to your snog request. Also I don't think I'm this bad in real life. I guess I store up all this crazy and have to get it out somehow so TADA! A Humor/Parody fanfic! Though my friends do think I'm crazy though so I must not store up all the crazy.

**The Ketchup Chip- **Yeah I'm sure Orlando feels the same way.

* * *

**SNOG REQUEST**

"Ok and everyone's favorite part of the show... the Before Show Snog Request Fulfillment!" Elladora shouts.

Loud cheers come from audience.

"Alright! We have only one request this episode and that was made by anniePADFOOT who demands to snog both Sirius AND Draco!"

Elladora snaps her fingers and both Sirius and Draco appear. Sirius looks slightly hurt at being taken away from loonygrl90.

"Oh we have a problem! We only have one of Sirius!"

The audience gasps loudly.

Elladora rolls her eyes. "Oh don't be such drama queens! Nothing a simple duplicating spell won't fix!"

Elladora snaps her fingers and her purple wand appears. Elladora waves her wand and with a flash of purple smoke they are now two Siriuses.

"Whoa," says Sirius #1 and #2.

Draco shouts, "There's like two of you man!"

Elladora sighs. "Well spotted Draco. Ok Sirius #1 you go back to loonygrl90." Elladora waves her wand and Sirius #1 disappears with a hunky grin. "And Sirius #2 you get to go to anniePADFOOT!" Sirius #2 disappears with a hunky grin.

Draco whimpers, "What about me?"

"Well anniePADFOOT do you still want him?" asks Elladora.

AnniePADFOOT nods. "YES!"

"Fine. The sooner this slime ball's away from me the better." Elladora snaps her fingers and Draco disappears.

"Well that's the end of our Before the Show Snog Request Fulfillment! Please include any request of your own in your review! Requests may or may not be fulfilled depending on the mood and sanity of the authoress."

**(End Authoress's Note)**

* * *

"Ok welcome to Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters! Today we will have the teachers of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry? Let's welcome Headmaster Professor Dumbledore, Deputy Headmistress Professor McGonagall, Potions Master Professor Snape, and the lovely Herbology Professor Sprout!" shouts Elladora. 

Teachers walk on stage and Professor McGonagall walks over to Elladora, glaring angrily.

"Where is that Transfiguration essay you were supposed to give me yesterday?" asks McGonagall with a stern look.

Elladora cringes. "No.. uh... that wasn't me. It was my evil twin!"

"Really?" asks McGonagall skeptically. 

"Of course! Her names Doraella!"

The audience groans at their interviewer and authoress' inability to lie well.

"Give me that homework young lady!" snaps McGonagall.

"Fine. Here. " Elladora hands McGonagall a scrap of parchment with a large smiley face on it and no visible words written except for "Play Quidditch Blindfolded and on Mops!"

"This is your homework?"

"Yes. Is there a problem?"

McGonagall sighs. "There's nothing written on here about Transfiguration." 

Elladora gasps, horrified. "Really?! Let me see that!" She rips the parchment out of McGonagall's hands. "No see! I DID write something about Transfiguration!" She points to spot on parchment.

McGonagall reads the parchment. "_Transfiguration sucks_. Interesting. Are you scrounging for a detention here Miss Jobberknoll?"

Elladora is horrified. "No! Then I wouldn't be able to do my show!" She makes a puppy dog face. "Transfiguration is the best class in the whole magical world and I want to teach it and be almost a good of teacher as you!"

McGonagall rolls her eyes. "Fine! Just turn it in tomorrow."

Elladora winks at the audience. "The art of sucking up."

"What was that?" asks McGonagall sharply.

"Uh..." Elladora notices the other three teachers are still standing and are quietly twiddling their thumbs. "Professors, Headmaster! I'm sorry! Please sit down!"

Dumbledore smiles gently. "Thank you Miss Jobberknoll. And please don't call me Headmaster. Dumbledora will do."

"Dumbledora?" Elladora asks confused.

"Yes Dumbledora. I would really prefer it."

"Uh ok. Whatever." Elladora sits for a minute thinking then she lets out a loud shriek. "This wouldn't have anything to do with all that makeup and women's clothing in your office would it?"

Dumbledore turns red. "Uh no. That's for er... medical reasons."

Snape snorts loudly. "Right...."

"Would you like to elaborate on that Professor?" asks Elladora, raising an eyebrow.

Snape clears his throat. "Alright. Dumbledore..."

"I said its Dumbledora! Sweetie you're so forgetful!" Dumbledora coos and scoots closer to Snape, batting his eyelashes.

Snape scoots away from Dumbledora. "Right uh... Dumbledora'sinlovewithme."

"Could you repeat that?"

Snape says quietly, "He'sinlovewithme."

"I can't hear you Professor," says Elladora, an evil smile beginning to play across her face.

Snape shouts furiously, "The cross-dressing Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is in love with me!!!!!!!!"

Elladora gasps. "NO!"

Snape sighs. "Yes. It's horrible."

Dumbledora squeals, "Yay!!!!! Now that I am officially outed, I am now free to be with the one I love!!!!!" He hugs Snape tightly and bounces up and down.

Elladora wipes away a tear. "Oh you two are soooo cute!"

Snape says hoarsely due to the fact that a hundred year old man is crushing his lungs, "What?! I'm not... I'm not..."

"Come on Severus! Admit your feelings!" Professor Sprout pipes up.

Snape looks thunderstruck. "Feelings?! For this overgrown hairball?"

Dumbledora lets go of Snape. "Sevvy! I'm hurt! Don't insult my long white locks!" He begins to sob uncontrollably.

McGonagall pats Dumbledora on the back. "It's alright Dumbledora. I'm sure your boyfriend will apologize." She glares at Snape.

"I'm not his... I'm not his..." stutters Snape.

Elladora sighs. "You need to stop repeating yourself and get that sentence out! 'I am the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry's boyfriend!'"

Snape whirls on Elladora. "YOU did this!!! You had to invite us on your stupid chat show and now look at me! Everyone thinks I'm the boyfriend of Dumbledora!"

Elladora pulls out her wand. "NEVER insult this show. Those little garden gnomes worked too hard on building this wonderful set to be brought down by a greasy pig like you!"

Snape whines, "But I'm not his boyfriend!"

Sprout shakes her head. "You're in denial Severus." 

Snape shouts, "No I'm not! I have a girlfriend!"

"As in Dumbledora?" Elladora supplies. 

Snape glares evilly. "No! It's Professor Trelawney."

Audience gasps and begins to shout, "Ooooooooh.... SNAPE AND TRELAWNEY SITTING IN A TREE K-I-S-S-I-N-G...."

McGonagall looks skeptical. "Do you have any proof of this Severus? Don't go breaking poor Dumbledora's heart if you don't have proof."

"Sibyl with tell you."

Elladora shouts, "I'll get her!" She snaps her fingers and Professor Trelawney appears in all her crazy glory.

"Ah the light! It burns!" Trelawney cringe, falls on the ground, and begins twitching violently.

Snape rushes over to Twitchin' Trelawney. "Sibyl? Sibyl? What's the matter?" 

Trelawney's voice becomes harsh. "The Dark Lord is still hunting the son of those who had thrice defied him. He is in disguise. He is here! He's the...."

"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _Avada Kedavra_!" shouts the cameraman who is really Lord Voldemort.

A beam of green light hits Trelawney and she becomes limp.

"NO!!!! Sibyl!!!!!!!!!" Snape begins crying over Trelawney's seemingly dead body.

Dumbledora shouts, "Voldie! Why didn't you call me back?!"

Voldemort sighs. "That was 16 years ago! You're still pissed about that?"

Dumbledora nods angrily. "Yes! That's why I've devoted my life to bringing about your downfall! Voldie! Killing innocent people? How could you? You're a vegetarian!"

"Dude he doesn't eat his victims." McGonagall shakes her head.

"Oh."

Elladora notices that everyone is up to their ankles in water because of Snape's obsessive crying over Trelawney. "DUDE! SNAPE! SNAP OUT OF IT! SHE'S NOT DEAD!"

Snape sniffles, "She's not?"

Elladora's voice becomes secret spy-like. "Yes. I've been tracking Voldemort's movements. The Avada Kedavra spell doesn't kill people it simply paralyzes the victim so they're in a deathlike state on the surface."

Audience whispers, "Oh........."

"But what about all the victims? They aren't still with us!" asks Sprout.

Elladora nods knowledgably. "Ah, but why do you think Voldie needs all those people? Maybe for his THEME PARK?"

Voldemort shouts, "No! Not the secret theme park!"

Elladora smiles evilly. "Ah yes, but it has everything to do with the theme park. You see Voldemort's been attacking people and taking them back to his theme park to be RIDE TESTERS!"

Sprout gasps. "NO!"

"Yes. RIDE TESTERS!" Elladora repeats.

"The horror!" whispers McGonagall.

"How could you Voldie?!" asks Dumbledora.

Voldemort shrugs. "I needed ride testers."

Everyone nods. "Oh well that makes sense."

Elladora glares at Voldemort. "Revive Trelawney, Voldemort."

"Never."

"Do it and then we'll all go to your theme park."

"Ok!" says Voldemort excitedly.

Voldemort mutters something and Trelawney springs back up in all her crazy glory.

"Sibyl!" shouts Snape.

"Sevvy! Darling!" She kisses him.

Audience looks away. "Ewww....."

Elladora jumps up. "Ok well looks like we have a theme park to get to! I'll send invisible hot dogs to all my little readers! Buh bye!"

Voldemort steps in front of the camera. "Well that's the end of Episode 4! I'm Voldemort! Come to my theme park! It's called Dark Lords' Evil Land- Where everyone can be evil to the heart's desire! HAHAHaHaHahAHAHA! I've outwitted these idiots and I'm still free to kill that Potter! Ride testers my butt! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..................."

* * *

Ah yes Voldie's secret is revealed! Mwhahahahaha -chokes- **E.D.J. **


	5. Episode 5

**Disclaimer-**I only supply the insanity. 

**Authoress' Note**- I must tell you the wisdom J.K. Rowling gives us in her interview at the Edinburgh Book Festival. I credit this quote entirely to Ms. Rowling.

J.K.- "I make this hero-Harry obviously- and there he is one the screen, the perfect Harry, because Dan is very much as I imagine Harry, but who does every girl under the age of 15 fall in love with? Tom Felton, as Draco Malfoy. Girls stop going for the bad guy. Go for a nice guy in the first place."

Don't believe me? Go to her website! It's there in the posted interview! Listen to the bad guys' creator! No Draco! Draco bad! Harry good! Love Harry! **E.D.J.**

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* * *

**

**Authoress' Note**- I have decided because of the numerous snog requests I am being flooded with, I will just award snog requests in the authoress' note. If I try to write ten million funny scenes where I award snog requests to reviewers, my brain will explode and that won't be a very pretty thing. Onward! **E.D.J.**

Here I will list the particular character and the reviewer(s) who are awarded a snog with them. E.D.J.

**Ron**: **_dancechic-18_**

**Voldemort**: _**La Conquistadora**_ (I'm trying very hard to question people's requests. No matter how strange, but this is pushing it a bit.)

**Snape: _PoDunk, OK 90210_** (Again trying very hard not to admit the strangeness of some of these requests.)

Draco: _**frifri**_ (I have done another duplicating spell on him so anniePADFOOT will stay happy)

Sirius- _**Evelyn**_

Harry- _**Evelyn**_

That's weird I got one request for each person.

If you wish to make a snog request please hit the shiny submit review button and type a well thought out review including your snog request and the character you wish to snog. Thank you and review like crazy! E.D.J.

* * *

"Hello and welcome to the wonderful world of Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters where your lovely authoress and interviewer creates general mayhem! Now I'm sure you're all wondering who are special guests are today and... actually I'm wondering too. GRAWP!"

Grawp lumbers onstage dragging a blonde-haired boy who looks suspiciously like Draco Malfoy by the ankles.

"Umm... a little help?" asks the boy who looks suspiciously like Draco Malfoy.

Elladora ignores the boy who looks suspiciously like Draco Malfoy. "Grawp! Take this boy who looks suspiciously like Draco Malfoy's wand and magic the names of today's guests to me."

Grawp takes the boy who looks suspiciously like Draco Malfoy's wand and trudges backstage causing the boy who looks suspiciously like Draco Malfoy to fall through the air and land at the feet of the authoress and interviewer.

Elladora coos, "Awww... are you Grawpie's new doll Boy who I've finally decided is indeed Draco Malfoy?"

Draco spits out feathers for some unknown reasons. "No! _You_ told him to carry me around by my ankles like a doll after we wrapped Episode Three where you interviewed yours truly."

Elladora laughs. "Oh yeah! That was like four weeks ago! Fun for you huh?"

"Absolutely spiffing."

Elladora giggles. "Ha! Spiffing is an awesome British word. You know what else is a good word? Snarky!"

"......................"

"....................."

"......................."

"......................."

"........................"

"................................"

Draco clears his throat. "Anyway can I..."

Elladora pumps her fist in the air triumphantly. "Ha I won!"

Draco looks confused. "Won what?"

"The game of doing ...................... the longest! You are the loser.... I am the winner!" Elladora does a victory dance.

"That was a game???? That was no game."

Elladora stops dancing and sounds very dangerous. "If _I _say it was a game then it _was_ a game. Remember I have phenomenal powers on this show? "

Draco looks around uneasily. "Yeah..."

Elladora shouts in a stately voice, "Grawp? Are you done yet? The little blonde git bores me. Remove him from my sight at once."

Grawp appears, hands Elladora the guest list, and begins to drag Draco away.

"Grawp, do with him as you wish. Just as long as it involves some form of taunting, messing with his head, or sheer ridiculelessness," adds Elladora, waving Grawp away.

Draco clings to a well-placed rug while Grawp tugs at him. "That's not a word! You can't just..."

Elladora grins evilly and raises her wand. "Oh but I can. Tootles Draco!"

Draco and Grawp are whisked off to the land of "IMAGINATION" (rainbow appears between Elladora's hands at the word "IMAGINATION"). **A/N-Cookies and 70 points to anyone who knows what this is from!**

Elladora glances at the guest list. "Ok... today's guests are Fred and George Weasley, and some person who's either a perverse weird girl, or a mysterious, handsome, drools guy according to my helpful reviewer **Professor D.S. Silvers**! Please welcome Blaise Zabini!"

Two twin redheads and a blurred humanoid shape walk onstage and sit down.

Elladora leans toward Fred and George. "That's Blaise?"

"I don't know. It just kinda walked on stage with us. Hasn't said a word," says George with a shrug.

Elladora squints at the blurred shape. "Umm... Zabini? Do you have a comment on the question of your identity?"

"Actually it has recently been confirmed by Ms. Rowling herself that I am indeed a guy. Though whether I'm a mysterious, handsome, drools guy is still unknown," says the blurred shape.

Elladora raises an eyebrow. "Kay... so you're just a blurred shape at the moment?"

"Yes. You got a problem with that?"

Elladora shakes her head. "No.... but Professor D.S. Silvers seems to like the mysterious, handsome, drools guy theory. Can you change form to become a mysterious, handsome, drools guy for the moment?"

"I suppose."

Blurred Zabini Shape blurs together even more and becomes a mysterious, handsome, drools guy.

Audience shouts, "He's swoon worthy! All of the audience (including the guys) swoon and fall over in dead faints.

"Good thing I keep those Dungbombs around for emergencies!"

Elladora throws numerous Dungbombs into the audience and audience wakes up coughing and hacking.

Elladora snaps, "Swoon on your own time!" She turns to Blaise. "Wow you are a very mysterious, handsome, drools guy."

"No swooning from you Elladora?" asks Blaise.

Elladora shakes her head. "No... I much prefer the Marauders (minus Peter) myself."

Blaise nods. "Ah yes. They're very mysterious and handsome too."

"I think so. Anyway..." Elladora turns to one of the Weasley twins. "Fred how's Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes coming along?"

"I'm George! Honestly woman, you call yourself our mother?"

Elladora looks confused, "No..........."

George laughs. "Oh yeah. I knew that. It's just so fun to say that line!"

Fred nods. "I agree."

"Me too," adds Blaise.

The audience all nods in agreement too.

"Anyway the joke shop? How's it coming?"

"Oh it's brilliant, simply brilliant. We're catching up to Zonko's at the moment," says George proudly.

"Yeah, it's great. Er... do you mind that we took the liberty to add a few pranks around the studio?" asks Fred.

"Not at all." Elladora winks at the twins. "I have a few things set up myself. Blaise, would you like a pastry?"

A plate of pastries appear.

Blaise takes one. "Sure. Anyone else want one?"

Fred grins evilly. "Actually I'm full."

George grins evilly. "Yeah me too. Big buffet brunch at the Three Broomsticks."

Elladora grins evilly. "And I have this ice-cream cone!" She points at the air.

Blaise munches on his "pastry". "You don't have an ice-cream cone."

"Well I don't want anyone to steal it! I put an Invisibility Spell on it!" says Elladora indignantly.

Blaise looks confused. "Okay... you're odd you know..!"

Blaise has currently changed into a large canary due to the fact of a Canary Cream concealed inside his pastry. He makes, in fact, a very mysterious, handsome, drools canary. Because of this thousands of canaries swarm Canary Blaise and begin swooning.

Elladora ducks a late canary. "Oh Blaisie they like you! They really like you! Though the guy is mysterious, handsome, drools he isn't very intuitive. "

Blaise makes an angry chirping noise.

Fred shakes Elladora's hand. "Excellent technique Elladora. You could go far."

"Thank you. I try to keep your and the Marauders' legacy alive while I study at Hogwarts and during my entertaining chat show. Snape has really hated me since the last episode aired."

George rubs hands together. "Excellent. That means your doing well."

Blaise makes angry chirping noises again.

"Wait a minute... this canary's a Slytherin isn't he?" says Fred, horrified.

Audience gasps.

Elladora adds, "No Slytherin exits the Crazy Chats studio without being humiliated first!"

George nods in agreement. "Exactly. Good work with the Malfoy git before the show."

Elladora grins. "I try. So let's see, we need torture for Blaisie!"

The audience protests. "NO! He's too swoon-worthy!"

Elladora sighs. "People if you have to swoon over a Harry Potter Character, make it a Gryffindor ok?"

The audience nods. "Yeah you're right. Get the Canary!!!!!!!"

The audience suddenly all have pitchforks and torches and they chase Blaise the Canary offstage while the swarm of real canaries follow.

Elladora, Fred, and George lean back and relax.

Fred holds up a bottle. "Butterbeer Elladora?"

Elladora takes the bottle. "Thank you Fred. You didn't put anything in it did you?"

Fred's eyes widen innocently. :Now Elladora darling, would I do a thing like that?"

"Of course you would." Elladora sniffs the Butterbeer and then Fred's hands. "Nosebleed Nougat."

George gasps. "How did you know?"

Elladora's voice begins to sound dangerous. "I think the question is how _didn't_ I know? Now Fred would _you _like a Butterbeer? Or how about you George?" She magicks up another bottle of Butterbeer mixed with Nosebleed Nougat.

Fred and George get up and slowly back away. "No thanks..."

"Come on boys, just a little sip?"

Elladora begins chasing the twins around the room whacking the Butterbeers against their heads and shouting, "Now say it with me, 'I will not try to prank those smarter than me!'

The cameraman/Voldemort steps out in front of the camera. "Well that's the end of the long overdue Episode Five! Elladora is currently trying to get Fred and George Weasley to grovel and beg for mercy. Nasty blood traitors... Think crazy thoughts! Also, if anyone else has any information on that evil boy Harry Potter call 1-800-I-M-U-S-T-A-V-A-D-A-K-E-D-A-R-A-H-A-R-R-Y-P-O-T-T-E-R! Said very fast This number only works on a yet undiscovered planet. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, boils, and death at the hands of an Evil Dark Lord!"

* * *

Yeah if you can't read that number (I know it makes me very dizzy to look at), it's 1-800-I MUST AVADA KEDAVRA HARRY POTTER! Please don't call it though because it reality it does not work and you'll probably get Mars or maybe just AT&T. Actually I doubt that's the number for AT&T or any other company for that matter! Think crazy thoughts and torture Draco and other Slytherins! And like always review! **E.D.J.**


	6. Episode 6

**Disclaimer**- Seriously would J.K. actually want this??

**Authoress' Note-** Pardon the lack of updating! Was working on the book I hope to have published and I just posted the very late next chapter of Summer with the Arrogant Prat! Plus school has started so I assume my workload will get even worse! Think crazy thoughts and show your love for your authoress (or the fanfic whichever you prefer) by reviewing! Cheers! **E.D.J.**

**Thank you to my reviewers I hope you haven't exploded from lack of Crazy Chats!**

**La Conquistadora**- Yeah er... sorry about the breakup with the Dark Lord. I'm sure you'll find someone better. Preferably not Orlando Bloom, Oliver Wood, Harry or James Potter, Ron Weasley, Remus Lupin, or Sirius Black. They are all spoken for by me (NO I DON'T OWN THEM), but being the generous person I am, I still share them with others for a snog, but not for dates.

**Frifri**- To get the JK Rowling thing to work you have to open the door and click around in the blackness and a light will turn on! If you google JK Rowling's Secret Door or something similar there's full instructions on how to find the excerpt from the next book, but I'm not sure if the door's open anymore! This is the humor fic you can actually laugh at???? I'm touched that I bring genuine laughter to people!

**AnniePADFOOT**- If you have to swoon over Malfoy, please don't do it in front of me kay? I still have the utmost loathing for him, but I still am willingly to accept other people liking him. Glad you were happy I used Professor D.S. Silvers' Blaise Zabini suggestion! Ok just no! NO I will not snog Lord Voldemort (or Draco for the matter just keep him PLEASE!) ever! (Vomits) Yes I noted the sarcasm, but even thinking about that makes me sick! La Conquistadora is the only Voldie request I've gotten thus far and I hope it's the last!

**Hallucinate**- Yay my fic is wonderful! Yes Dumbledore/Dumbledora is slightly odd, but it just came to me because I spelled Dumbledore's name wrong while writing that episode and it just hit me and I went with it! Perhaps I bring Fred/George back in a future episode with the Top 10 ways list! I love making lists! (Summer with the Arrogant Prat has about 3 hilarious Marauder and Lily lists!) And it's ok to turn evil, just not Dark Lord evil ok? I am slightly evil, but I'm not bent on killing innocent people or anything.

**Hana**- Thanks for the compliments! I'm hilarious AND a great writer? Wow! And yes you were right about the whole Imagination SpongeBob thing. NO One else answered the question! –shrugs- I guess they're not as cultured as us. B.T.W. Fairly Oddparents is the best show on Nickelodeon!

**Loonygrl90**- I'm glad this is your favorite fic ever! Wow! Anyway I credit you with the invention of the wildly popular snog requests! AND the first EVER snog request. You should be very honoured and proud!

**Acatm**- Yeah I'm crazy, but funny right? I personally think I'm not as bad in real life (though others who know me may disagree), I just have to get the crazy out somehow!

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**Snog Requests BABY!**

**Fred/George**- La Conquistadora (Just don't break their hearts in your quest to get Voldie back or I will have to hurt you.)

**Draco**: (not that slimeball again!) frifri

**Harry**: frifri (you said Daniel so I assume you meant Harry because I'm only going to refer to the characters and not the actors who play them)

**Blaise Zabini**- anniePADFOOT

**Snape**- Hana

**James**- acatm (and yes a restraining order has been instated so Lily must stay a minimum of 1000 feet away from you!)

**Remus**: Elladora D. Jobberknoll (Yes I give myself another snog with him because he's just to irresistible and sarcastic for his own good!)

* * *

"Hello and welcome back to Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters! Grawp and blonde git Draco are still having fun in the land of IMAGINATION." Elladora pauses and smiles evilly. "Well Grawp's having fun. Anyway today's guest is... Walter bring in today's guest!"

A small house-elf, otherwise known as Walter, runs in carrying a tray, which he sets on the chair next to Elladora.

Walter bows. "I bring the guest Miss. You be needing anything else?"

Elladora shakes her head. "Nope. Just continue bowing until I tell you to stop."

Walter continues bowing.

"Today's guest as you can see is a plate of brownies!"

The audience oohs and ahs.

"But it's not just an ordinary plate of brownies, this is a plate of brownies that has been touched by The Boy Who Lived!"

"Oooh.........."

Elladora clears her throat. "So er... Mr. Brownies... would you tell us about your life changing experience about being touched by Harry Potter? Is it true that a part of you now resides in his stomach?"

Mr. Brownies says nothing.

"Don't be shy! We're all friends here."

Mr. Brownies still says nothing.

Elladora says nervously, "Our guest doesn't seem very talkative today. Mr. Brownies, would you like a glass of water to clear your throat?"

Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Elladora snaps, "Damn inanimate guests! Who comes up with these? Oh that would be me. Er... Grawp get over here! And bring Draco with you!"

Grawp appears with Draco sitting on his shoulder. Both are dressed in fancy hats, dresses, and makeup.

Elladora gapes. "Um.... er.... what?? Who??"

Draco blushes. "We were having a tea party."

"A tea party?"

Draco hops off of Grawp's shoulder. "Yes a tea party. It's actually quite fun. Care to join?"

Elladora gasps. "What have I done to you? No biting comments? No insults? NO!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Draco shrugs. "Yeah the land of IMAGINATION (rainbow appears) seems to have that affect on most people. I love being nice! I feel like kissing some babies or cooing over some puppies!"

"Oh my...Merlin. It's horrifying! Completely horrifying."

"Did I ever tell how beautiful you are?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! "

Draco glances around the set. "Your chat show set could really use some pink frilliness. It would be soooo cute! I'll go get my fabric swatches!"

Elladora is even more horrified.** "**Pink frilliness? Are you mad? I would rather decorate the set in Slytherin colors than in "pink frilliness"!"

Draco pouts.

Elladora throws up her hands. "That is the last straw! No more dress up or tea parties for you mister! Grawp take him to Voldemort's theme park! Make him evil till he cracks!"

"But I don't want to be evil! I want to be Harry Potter-like! A hero!" whines Draco.

Elladora raises her eyebrows. "When you're in your right mind, I'm sooo telling that to Harry for blackmail."

"But I want to be Harry!"

"Shut it you pink frilliness little twit! If you want to be like Harry, here you go!"

Elladora pelts Draco with 'Mr. Brownies' who has been touched and partially eaten by Harry Potter.

"No! It burns! Too much contact with something touched by Potter! The selflessness! The messy hair! The sweet smelling chocolate! It's too much!"

Draco collapses on the floor and Grawp disappears with him to Voldemort's theme park where Draco is rehabilitated and entered in a Ten Steps to Return to Evilness and Anti-Pink Frilliness Program.

"Well back to our guest Mr..." Elladora glances at the floor before kicking brownie crumbs underneath the rug. "Well our guest is currently... in pieces. Perhaps a new guest can be rounded up?" She touches ear. "What? What's this? It has been confirmed that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley have been spotted outside the studio and are eager to make a return on the show! Bring 'em in Walter!"

Walter the house-elf walks in with Harry and Ron floating above his head/

"The guests Miss." Walter bows.

"Wait a minute! I never told you to stop bowing before! Where'd you go??"

Walter cringes. "Well when Miss started flinging brownies, Walter was most afraid and hid outside until you was finished. Walter is sorry. BAD WALTER BAD WALTER!"

He hits himself over the head with a frying pan, knocking himself out.

Since Walter has been knocked out, Harry and Ron are released from the spell and plummet to the ground with a large crash.

"I'm so glad you two were so excited to make a return to the show!" squeals Elladora as the two boys brush themselves off.

"We didn't want to return to your crazy show! That house-elf caught us walking by and floated us (against our will mind you) in here! Let's get out of here Harry!" says Ron.

Elladora shakes her head and pulls out her wand. "Not so fast my little redhead. _Incarcerous_!"

Ropes wrap around Harry and Ron tying them to various items of furniture.

Harry struggles to try and free himself. "What are you doing? Why'd that house-elf bring us here?"

"Walter is under strict orders to always bring any wandering characters to me. He was just doing his job. "

"What are you going to do to us?" asks Ron.

Elladora smiles cheekily. "Nothing Ronniekins! I just want to humilate in whatever way possible! I'm very good at getting the dirt on anyone and everyone."

"You sound like a younger version of Rita Skeeter," grumbles Harry.

Elladora pinches Harry's cheek. "Oh you're so sweet! I've always looked up to her, but I, in fact, am able to get information that is true unlike Miss Skeeter who makes up stories and twists around people's words."

(Puff of green smoke)

Rita Skeeter appears. "I do not make up stories!"

"Rita darling! How are you?" asks Elladora.

Rita looks relieved. "Oh Elladora dear! It's you! I should have known! You're going to be big someday! You're wonderful at squeezing people for information."

Elladora smirks. "I try Rita."

"And I see you've got Harry Potter here? Brain-damaged little thing isn't he?" says Rita with a sigh.

"Hey!"

Elladora shakes her head. "Oh quite the contrary Rita. My sources tell me that he received Twelve O.W.L.s."

"Twelve? How do you know that? I don't even..." Elladora magicks a sock into Harry's mouth.

"Harry darling, I'm chatting with Rita right now. Could you be a dear and shut up?" asks Elladora sweetly.

"Mwghhhhhh..."

Elladora sighs. "Yes, yes I promise to get a pink flamingo when I'm done. Now sit still and be good."

"A pink flamingo? Why do you need that?" Ron asks Harry.

Harry shrugs.

"Hey...uh... crazy interviewer type girl? Can I get a orange monkey?" asks Ron.

Elladora nods.

"YAY!" Ron starts rolling across the floor in a sort of tied up victory dance.

"You're so wonderful with your guests! No wonder they keep coming back!" observes Rita.

"For the last time! We were forced to come here!" shouts Ron.

"Ronnie, don't kid yourself. You know you were here to see me." Elladora grins slyly at him.

"What?? Why would I fancy a crazy, out of her mind, psycho?"

Elladora shakes her head grimly. "That was a tad redundant wasn't it Ron?"

"Yeah it was, But as I was saying..."

"Ronnie! Quiet! Ella's talking! Shut it or no orange monkey!"

Ron pouts.

"Cool you made him cry!" says Rita with a giggle. (**Friends reference! Anyone know who says it? No I don't own Friends**.)

"Yeah he's been a little sensitive since I burned all his maroon clothing," says Elladora.

"No. You burned everything _except_ my maroon clothing!" Ron shouts angrily.

Elladora grins evilly. "Oh yeah! That was fun."

Harry nods. "Yeah it was hilarious."

Elladora squints at Harry. "What happened to that sock I stuck in your mouth?"

"I spit it out."

"Did I say you could do that?"

"No..." Harry quickly rolls over and puts the sock back in his mouth.

Elladora wipes away a tear. "They learn so fast."

Rita stands up. "Well I've got to get back to spreading nasty rumors!"

"Meet me for tea later so we can swap stories on humiliating the innocent?" asks Elladora.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!"

Rita disappears in a puff of green smoke.

"I suppose I'd better get ready for that tea!" Elladora leaves.

"Wait! You're just going to leave us here! Crazy girl! And what about that orange monkey?" shouts Ron.

"Mwghhhhhh..." comes from Harry.

"And Harry's pink flamingo? Anyone? Help?"

Cameraman steps out in front of the camera. "Well that's the end of our show! Oh by the way I'm the substitute cameraman Frank! Voldie's sick today! I bet he'll blow a gasket when he finds out how close he could be to killing Potter! Tootles!"

* * *

He...he... I particularly enjoyed this episode though Draco's changes were most horrifying! (Shudder) His Ten Step program better be working! Encouragment letters for Draco can be sent to him through a review!** E.D.J. **


	7. Episode 7

**Disclaimer**- Still wondering if it's mine? No comment.

**Authoress' Note**- Wow tons of reviews for just one chapter! –grins proudly- Hope this chapter fulfills your need for craziness or the need to prove that I should be getting help! I am so sorry for not updating for almost a month, but three fics, a book in the works, and school take a LOT out of you! I'm trying! Oh and the new non-script format to the story? Apparently script-form is not allowed by FanFiction as demonstrated by the disappearance of Evadne's bread boxes! I don't want that to happen to me and I don't want to try and find another website to post on, so the format's changed! But the humour's still there! **E.D.J.**

**Gracias! Reviews son muy buenas!**

**AnniePADFOOT**- Yes Draco was too scary for me too, so that's why I sent to rehab! I don't want him like that!!! Who would I be able to torture?? I have given Voldie a whack around the ears, but refuse to hit Ron or Ginny. I know you despise him, but I think Ron is just beyond cool and I only torture him out of love. And Ginny she's good, I don't have anything against her, so she won't suffer either. Also I suppose Ron's orange monkey would very much clash with his hair so I'll be keeping on layaway to give to some other character! And who _doesn't _want to snog Draco or Tom Felton? ME THAT'S WHO! Of the actors I would much rather snog Rupert Grint or the guy who plays Oliver Wood! Dreamy!

**Acatm**- I'm glad you like the story! I seriously can read over episodes of this and say, "Where did that come from?! How did I think of that? I'm too crazy."

**Iamannonoymous**- Don't really know why you wanted to cancel your snog request, but whatever you say! And if you didn't cancel it I still would NOT make Hermione and Harry snog because my shipping has changed since Episode 1 (where I was neither H/H or H/R very much), but now I'm a diehard Ron/Hermione fan so no it wouldn't happen.

**Serena van der Woodsen**- Glad you liked the story! Yes I know what you mean about not snogging James. I'm restrained myself and kept myself happy snogging Remus and the Episode 2 snog with Sirius, but you know I may just lose my restraint someday and James won't know WHAT hit him! –grins evilly-

**La Conquistadora**- No it's Hogsmeade. I'm glad you like the fic and I'm TRYING to update and make it funny, but I have a lot to do!

* * *

**Snog Requests!**

**Note**- The authoress requests the right to refuse snog requests of any person though I am very generous of people's differing tastes. The only person I refuse to let anyone snog is Peter Pettigrew because seriously he's a evil little nasty toad of a person and who'd want to snog him anyway? So if you suddenly feel the urge to request Pettigrew (please no! the images!), you will be promptly refused. Besides he's tied up in a closet somewhere in London and probably isn't up for any snogging after 280 days without fictional food or water.

**Draco**- **_frifri, Vanna Mave C, anniePADFOOT _**(I'm trying to restrain myself from any rude comments and have been so far successful. cough slimy git cough Oops!)

**Ron**-**_frifri, Vanna Mave C _**(Got nothing against Ron! Love Ron! Snog him all you want!)

**Lucius Malfoy**- **_stephanie a.k.a friend of frifri _**(Yes **_frifri_ **I agree with you. I am still wiping the vomit off the computer!)

**Snape**- **_Vanna Mave C _**(Draco's not the only evil one! Snape's evil too! Just not Death Eater evil. Anymore.)

**Tom Riddle (his sixteen year old self apparently)-** **_Evil Freaky Person Who Should Die_** (No you don't need to die! Don't die!)

**Sirius**- **_anniePADFOOT_** (I don't think she's every going to let him go. Not that I blame you of course, Annie. Sirius is HOT!)

**Oliver Wood**- **_p0pptartt _**(Yeah! He's one dreamy piece of guy!)

**Fred**/**George**- **_p0pptartt _**(Yes Fred/George. My wonderful pranking guy friends.)

Wow I'm surprised no one else asked for Sirius or for poor Remus! :-( I'll console Remus with some more snogging! I really don't mind! Dreamy.... **E.D.J. **

* * *

"Hello! This is the wonderful show Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters! I'm your interviewer and authoress Elladora D. Jobberknoll!" shouts Elladora. 

Loud cheers come from the audience because they've all been asleep for almost a month, wondering if the interviewer died or something.

"Today's guests will be a number of highly important Death Eaters!"

Loud oohs and aahs come from the audience as they wonder how Elladora will deal with such evil people.

Five highly trained hit wizards lead three Death Eaters on stage, handcuffed.

"Sit," Hit wizard #1 orders and the three Death Eaters sit while the hit wizards fade into the background, ready to stun any of the Death Eaters if they try to attack anyone.

"So your names are Bellatrix Lestrange, Rodolphus Lestrange, and... Lucius Malfoy." Elladora glares evilly at the pale, blonde-haired man in front of her.

Lucius sneers slightly. "_You_ are the girl my son's been having such problems with?"

"You could say that." Elladora smirks slightly.

"My, my. You must be a very talented witch to be able to outsmart my son."

"Oh I _am_ very talented, but that has nothing to do with it. Your son just isn't very clever. I suppose it runs in the family."

Lucius makes a violent lunge at Elladora, but is stopped by one of the hit wizards.

"Aw did I strike a nerve there, Lucius?" asks Elladora mockingly.

Lucius just grumble something incoherent.

Elladora looks offended. "I do _not _sell firewhiskey to kids!"

Rodolphus looks intrigued. "How did you even hear him say that?"

"Mind reading powers, Rolphie."

Rodolphus' face turns ashen as his childhood nickname comes back to haunt him.

Bellatrix waves a hand in front of his face. "Rodolphus? What's the matter?"

"Rolphie..." he whispers. "Rolphie the Murtlap Boy."

"I remember that!" shouts Lucius, beginning to howl with laughter. "You used to carry that stuffed murtlap around with you _everywhere_ and we thought you were the weirdest thing ever!"

Rodolphus scowls angrily. "For your information _Lucius_, my grandmother told it would make my nose look smaller!"

Bellatrix laughs softly. "You grandmother was always a bit off her rocker, you stupid berk."

"Don't you dare insult my gran, you ugly little hag!"

Elladora raises an eyebrow. "Aren't you two married?"

Bellatrix and Rodolphus both look confused. "Yeah?"

"Well you're calling each other ugly hags and stupid berks, I just don't see the love there."

Bellatrix eyes Elladora menacingly. "Not that love has anything to do with it, but those are our pet names for each other."

"Ugly little hag and stupid berk?"

"Yes."

Elladora turns to one of the cute hit wizards and mouths, "They're crazy." The hit wizard shrugs and mouths, "You have no idea."

Elladora turns back to the Death Eaters to find Bellatrix and Rodolphus combing and braiding Lucius' hair, despite their handcuffs.

"Ahem..." she says clearing her throat. "Care to explain?"

"His hair's just so pretty," says Rodolphus, pouting slightly. "We couldn't resist."

Elladora raises an eyebrow. "And you don't mind, Lucius?"

Lucius shrugs. "There better at it then Narcissa."

"Okay..." says Elladora, wondering why she had to think to bring Death Eaters on the show and get mixed up in their strange warped lifestyles.

"DONE!" shouts Bellatrix happily and she and Rodolphus show off Lucius' hairstyle to the audience who look strangely intrigued by their talent at hairdressing.

Elladora turns to the audience. "Just remember, they're in Azkaban for a reason. Despite how nice your hair can look after they're through with it."

"I object!" shouts Bellatrix. "I did not steal Alice Longbottom's hair curlers! I merely helped torture her and her husband into insanity! I'm innocent I tell you! Innocent!"

"But you weren't accused of stealing..." Elladora magicks up a file cabinet of trial records. "Goyle, Hart, Jobberknoll..." Elladora blushes. "I can explain!"

The audience looks skeptical.

"I enchanted the Sorting Hat into spouting out rude things at last year's Sorting Ceremony, but the spell went funny and started accusing _me_ of a number of atrocious things, so the Ministry had a trial against me because it thought I was letting Lord Voldemort into Hogwarts when technically I only hired him as my cameraman and the studio's located in _Hogsmeade_! That's much different that Hogwarts! So they let me off and haven't even tried to arrest Voldie because he's testified that he's perfectly happy here and has no desire to kill or torture people anymore because enough tort... fun happens on this set!"

"Our master is here?" says Bellatrix whirling around. "Where is he? I must go to him!"

Elladora sighs and uses a Semi-Permanent Sticking Charm on Bellatrix so she can't get up from her chair. "I still have to find your dumb old trial record, you dolt! Ah here it is Lestrange! Funny, you were accused of torturing Frank and Alice Longbottom into insanity _and_ stealing Mrs. Longbottom's hair curlers!"

"We're innocent I tell you! Innocent!" shrieks Bellatrix, trying to pry herself off of the chair. "We didn't steal her hair curlers! No matter how pretty they were!"

"Huh. Speaking of hair curlers, let's talk about you Lucius!" says Elladora whirling on the older Malfoy. "Did you know that you could be nicknamed Lucy?"

Lucius' face goes pale. "No, I didn't know that. And I must warn you if you call me that you'll..."

"LUCY! I'M HOME!" hollers the audience.

"Oh the torture!" shouts Lucius, covering his ears. "Quoting Muggle T.V. shows!"

"Oh it's alright Lucy," says Elladora, shooting a blast of cold water at Lucius' neck and giggling as he shrieks like a girl.

"That was cold!" Lucius whimpers. He falls to the ground sobbing uncontrollably.

"Where's my master?" shrieks Bellatrix, running around with the chair stuck to her backside. "Master? Master?"

One of the hit wizards stuns Bellatrix and she falls to the floor rigid.

"Aren't you going to go see if she's alright?" Elladora asks Rodolphus.

Rodolphus shrugs and leans back in his chair. "The ugly little hag had it comin'. I always knew she cared more about the Dark Lord than me."

"Oh that's the thing..." says Elladora walking over and standing above Bellatrix's stiff body. "Your 'master' is currently in a high-security holding chamber somewhere because the Ministry doesn't quite trust him not to start killing people if he's reunited with his Death Eaters. So Frank's the cameraman again! And I must be off to tea with my beloved Remus Lupin! Ta!"

Elladora skips off stage.

Frank steps in front of the camera. "Well that's the end! Sadly Voldie couldn't be with us again due to lack of trust in him by the Ministry! I hope he's not too upset with them! (cut to seen of Voldemort throwing chairs at the walls of a windowless room) Oh well. He'll get over it! Let's give a big round of applause for our lovely hit wizards who are currently stunning Lucius Malfoy for too much crying over being hit with cold water! Until next time!"

* * *

I must tell you all never to get mixed up in the warped lives of Death Eaters! It's just too much! And if anyone was wondering a murtlap is "A seashore-dwelling rodent native to Britain, this ratlike creature has on its back a growth resembling a sea anemone, which when pickled can be used to promote resistance to curses. The murtlap will attack anyone who steps on it, although it usually eats crustaceans, not people's feet." according to the Harry Potter Lexicon and _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ by Newt Scamander! What'd you think of the Death Eaters' appearance?? **E.D.J. **


	8. Episode 8

**Disclaimer**- I disclaim in all, not that ever claimed in the first place.

**Authoress' Note**- Yeah, I just forfeited an intense game of the Lord of the Rings Edition of Risk and am still pouting over losing almost all my countries. Sniff... The Green Legolas Army lives on! **E.D.J.**

**Thanks for the reviews!**

**Romulan Empress**- Glad you love the story and I allow you to snog any and all Star Trek characters! Not that I own them either, but...

**Frifri**- Lovely Snog-Request Hut scene. Most creative! As to the question of how I come up with all of this? I HAVE NO IDEA! I would be terrified out of my wits if I'm actually this crazy in real life and I'm sure everyone else around me would be too! Hmm... maybe that's why all those "normal" people tend to avoid me. LOL. I'm glad you want my mind, but I lost it a while ago. (Bu dum... Chi! Yeah that would be that drum thing they do after jokes, I don't think that came across well).

**AnniePADFOOT**- Actually now I've decided that the guy who plays Oliver Wood is much better than Rupert Grint AND Tom Felton, so hopefully your urge to kill me has lessened now. Yes...Rolphie...weird bit of insanity. I just realized today that it would probably be Rodolphie (Rodolphus), but that just sounds like crap. Lucius' hair styling was quite odd too. I also threw a shoe at Ron recently so does that count as whacking him? He cried pretty hard. What a baby. Ginny... she can be a bit stupid, so I'll throw a shoe at her too. Maybe it'll knock some sense into her. You can probably tell I'm in evil mood right now!

**Amelia Blibson**- You are the best because you reviewed every chapter! I send you those hot dogs and cookies!

**Acatm**- I say that hilariousness is a word! Glad you thought the chappie was good, despite the boring new format!

* * *

**Snog Requests!**

**Harry: _frifri_**

**Ron: _frifri_**

**Sirius: _frifri, anniePADFOOT_**

**Draco: _frifri, anniePADFOOT_**

**James_: Amelia Blibson_**

**Oliver Wood_: acatm_**

I can't think of anything sarcastic or evil to say right now, so er... I HATE DRACO MALFOY WITH A PASSION! Other people are free to love him though! I think everyone already knows that, but just in case! **E.D.J.  
**

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**

"Hi! How is everyone? Did you miss me?" asks Elladora as she steps onstage wearing a _I Love Remus Lupin!_ T-shirt over her robes.

The reader audience members turn away from their "realistic" fanfics with enthusiasm and begin to cheer loudly.

Elladora begins jumping up and down excitedly. "Guess what? Guess what?"

The audience asks, "What?"

"I have elbows!" Elladora screams. (**Friends humor, you unobsessed people.)**

The audience members glance at each other, confused.

"Well you'll get it later," says Elladora, waving it off. "Now on to the guests! Today we have a feature known as 'Defense Against the Dark Arts' Professors and Why They Can't Keep a Job For Over a Year!' Otherwise known as DADAPWTCKJFOY!"

The audience looks confused for certainly not the last time.

Elladora shrugs. "Or we could just call it Episode 8!"

The audience cheers its gratitude over not having to try to pronounce that complex anagram.

Elladora primly sits down in her lovely purple chair. (**A/N- Has anyone noticed Miss Jobberknoll has an obsession with the color purple? She turned Ron into a purple rabbit and has a purple wand... and probably something else purple...) **"Please give a big hand for Professor No Known First Name Quirrell, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor Remus John Lupin, Professor Alastor Moody otherwise known as Mr. Barty Crouch Junior, and Professor Dolores Umbridge!"

All five teachers walk out looking disgruntled over having their wands confiscated back stage. (**Just a precaution...)**

"How are you all?" asks Elladora. "No Known First Name? Gilderoy? Re..re..mus? Alastor/Barty? Dolores?"

All five mutter, "Fine, fine."

Remus Lupin raises an eyebrow at Elladora curiously. "Excuse me, Miss Jobberknoll? May I inquire as to why you are wearing a shirt stating you love me?"

Elladora looks down at her T-shirt, horrified. "Oh...I...uh...don't know?"

She quickly whips out her wand and changes the shirt to read _I Love Pie!_

Lupin raises an eyebrow, skeptically.

Elladora shields her eyes. "No! Don't raise your eyebrow! You look like him too much when you do that!"

Everyone looks confused.

Elladora removes her hands from her eyes. She glances terrified at Lupin. "Er... I am slightly infatuated with your teenage self?"

"My what?!"

"Teenage self," supplies Elladora. "I, somehow, can bring from the past here and I brought yours and you're...HE'S hot." She sees Lupin's questioning look. "No, you can't meet him because everything would just implode!"

"Er... I'm sure I'd... he'd be lucky to have you," says Remus uncomfortably.

"I knew I liked you...him! –Damn!- For a reason! You... HE understands everything!"

She flushes embarrassed and then whirls on Quirrell. "Hey! You're dead AND you're evil! You can't be here!"

"Bbbbut...Mmmisssss..." he stutters, before disappearing in a puff of black smoke.

A random audience member stand up and squeaks, "But you had James and Sirius' teenage selves on the show and they're..." The random audience member is suddenly gagged, bound, and dragged away by Walter the house elf for a good dose of Memory Charms.

Elladora then whirls on Moody/Barty Crouch Junior. "And you're soul is gone, so what good are you?"

He disappears in a puff of red smoke.

Elladora sits down again. "Alright, so Remus, Gilderoy, Dolores, where were we?"

Random Audience Member #2 stands up and says, "But Lockhart's memory's gone, why is he staying?" Elladora shoots Random Audience Member #2 an evil look and he sits down embarrassed and hides under his chair.

"My what's gone?" asks Lockhart, flipping his hair slightly.

"Memory," snaps Umbridge, who has been quite up until then. "And I say, who cares? You didn't have many memories there to begin with."

Lockhart begins sobbing uncontrollably into his long blonde hair until Elladora, in an act of sympathy and annoyance, offers him a cookie, which causes him to promptly stop crying.

"So has that Wolfsbane Potion been helping you, Remus?" asks Elladora quietly.

"I refuse to sit near a half-breed!" exclaims Umbridge, standing up quickly. "Werewolves are completely savage beasts who..."

Elladora makes a violent gesture at Umbridge and she sits down after shooting Elladora a disdainful look.

"What's a memory?" asks Lockhart through a mouthful of cookie.

"Look it up!" snaps Elladora, throwing a gigantic dictionary at him.

Lockhart becomes _fascinated_ by the pretty black marks that cover the 24,000 pages of the book. "I name you zarduffuffle!" he says, pointing at the word _cat_.

Elladora, Umbridge, Lupin, the audience, some Aliens on Mars, and Gideon Crumb, who plays bagpipes for the Weird Sisters, all roll their eyes at Lockhart's utter stupidity.

"Gideon Crumb!" says Lockhart excitedly, pointing at the actor who has suddenly appeared inside the studio.

"Well at least he knows something," mutters Elladora.

Gideon Crumb disappears. Lockhart screams in horror, runs around in circles, and _somehow_ knocks himself out with the gigantic dictionary.

Elladora turns to Umbridge. "Are you still the Hogwarts High Inquisitor? _And_ did you know that you are completely evil?"

"No and yes," says Umbridge with one of her disgustingly _girlish_ giggles. "I'm currently on trial by the Wizengamot for 'abuse of my powers'." She chuckles again and some incredibly intelligent audience member throws a Dungbomb at her.

"Aren't you an Animagus?" Lupin asks, who has been sitting ever so quietly and patiently waiting to speak.

"Are you?" asks Elladora, her eyes glinting mischievously.

"As I matter of fact, _half-breed_, I am," says Umbridge primly.

"Let's guess what your form is..." says Elladora, striking a thoughtful pose. "A toad?"

Umbridge looks offended. "Actually I'm a lobster."

"A lobster?"

"A lobster," confirms Umbridge. "It's quite nice. Clawing people...eating...whatever lobster's think is food..."

"I'm sure it is," says Elladora, fingering her wand behind her back. "You know what animal you'd be better as?"

"What?"

"A toad!"

Elladora flicks her wand and, with a flash of green sparks, Umbridge is replaced with a large, warty toad.

"Much better," says Elladora approvingly. She blows on a whistle around her neck and shouts, "Grawpie!"

Grawp lumbers onstage.

"This toad is your new pet!" squeals Elladora.

Grawp grabs up the toad/Umbridge. "TOADIE!" he cooes. The toad's/Umbridge's eyes bulge out as Grawp gives it a hug.

"Yes, Toadie has been a very bad toad," says Elladora, shaking her head. "Maybe you should put her in a jar and make her _think_ about what she's done!"

Grawp nods and bounds off stage in search of a jar to put Umbridge in.

Remus Lupin glances from Elladora to Lockhart who is still unconscious on the floor with the dictionary beside him. "Is your show always like this?"

"Pretty much," says Elladora with a shrug. "Why?"

"It was most entertaining," says Lupin with a small grin. "It would be interesting to see what happened on previous shows."

Elladora looks astonished. "You were entertained? That's mean that young Remus would be entertained and that he'd be entertained and entertained and entertained..."

Elladora begins babbling incoherently and ends up being dragged off stage by Walter the house elf to be given a good Calming Drought.

Voldemort steps in front of the cameraman with an angry look on his face. "Yes, I'm a back. Woo-hoo. Who really cares? Yes, our interviewer has fallen into a babbling state by a guest's comments, the memoryless one is unconscious, and the toad woman is in fact, now a toad. All I really care about is getting back at those Ministry jerks! Who do they think they are keeping me away from my loyal servants?? They'll pay...oh they'll pay..."

* * *

I apologize if I've offended anyone with a love of dictionaries, toads, or sugar-coated candies -spins around- Oh we haven't done that gag yet? Whoops, maybe next episode! Please review! How else are you people going to get your character snogs? Hmm?? I'm not a mind reader! **E.D.J.**

P.S. Yes Bruce Willis got taken out and substituted with the guy who plays bagpipes for the Weird Sisters. See the authoress's note at the end of chapter 3 for full explanation.


	9. Episode 9

**Disclaimer-** GUESS WHAT? J.K. Rowling has sold me all the rights to Harry Potter and I'm going to write the sixth and seventh books! Harry going to have a girlfriend whose half human, half mermaid, and three eighths egg salad sandwich (Readers wonder how that can add up to 1!) AND Ron is going to be turned into a pink rabbit permanently and another series of books will be about his adventures in rabbit form. Wish me luck!

-No, that's not true, you idiots. **E.D.J. **

**Authoress' Note- **If anyone believed the above, I will dissolve into a huge fit of giggles. –huge fit of giggles- Oops too late. Don't you all just hate me for not updating in so long? Get use to it people! Three fics, a book manuscript, and regular schoolwork makes Elladora a busy girl! Must continue! Mwa mwa! (kisses) **E.D.J. **

**P.S. **By the way, would you consider this a 'non-story'? Apparently that's not allowed on Fanfiction, but I'm unsure if this classifies or not. I'm terrified of getting any of my work taken down! –shivers and gulps- I'll keep my fingers crossed!

**P.P.S. **My best bestest friend **La Conquistadora** requested to make a cameo appearance on Crazy Chats and the request is just to tempting too resist. Don't be too worried, she is as crazy as I am if not more! We've even created a term for the fear of La Conquistadora! I'll be able to work her character to fit perfectly in my lovely little parody. No, I won't be taking other cameo requests from other reviewers because I don't know any of you, don't know anything about your personality, and so on and so forth.

**Reviews! Much thanks! **

**ThelovelyladyLily**- Glad you liked the chapter!

**AnniePADFOOT**- I should have known you'd respond with that Draco retort. Kill Ron and Ginny on your own time! I won't do it for you!

**Serena van der Woodsen**- Yes the dictionary thing was most entertaining. I think Lockhart was already dumb before he lost his memory. In my lovely words for Professor Umbridge, "I say, who cares? You didn't have many memories there to begin with."

**Romulan Empress**- Oh you're inspired?! Blimey someone actually wanting to write something similar to Crazy Chats?! I'm honored! Good luck with your Fiction Press story!

**KillerChicken2**- Even _I _don't know what you're talking about with that monkey thing. Yes you receive cookies for the SpongeBob thing.

**Frifri**- Mmm... mashed potatoes... anyway. No you're not hogging the characters! They are up for snogging with more than one person per episode!!

**Starla9**- Glad you love the story AND Sirius' "I'm not fictional!!!" thing! I found that most entertaining. You can NEVER have too many snog requests, so by all means take as many as you want!

**La Conquistadora**- Glad you loved the chapter! I've even gotten people bowing to my craziness now!!! Read below for your cameo appearance. Feel free to thank me, hug me, or attack me. Whatever is your cup of tea after reading this episode! Though not to violent if you choose the attacking option? –shields head- I bought you a cookie! I may conveniently continue to forget to give you O Brother Where Art Thou?, the Jonah CD, and your Grand Tour book if I am seriously maimed!!! Remember it's even more illegal for band geeks to kill other band geeks! (yeah I changed it to fit!)

**Acatm**- I AM glad that my fic is making you look like a fool!

**Vietgurl0607**- Yes my fic tends to make people look crazy in front of their parents. Oh well...

**Blah**- No, the Snape and Trelawney thing isn't from Love, Actually. I've never seen the movie so I wouldn't know what you were referring to anyway. Grossly funny? I'll take that as a compliment!

**Sonicbunny**- Wow a GUY reader?! You are in the .0000001 of male fanfiction members!! I can't believe someone whose British actually agrees with me on the word spiffing being cool! –grins- Oooh Orlando... where do I start?? I suppose my author's page wouldn't be very helpful. It says, "Orlando Bloom- All I can say is... drools.) I assume you'd like a better explanation though? Let's see... (this is not in order of importance either just as they come to me)

#1. He's British. (Basically anyone with an accent is completely dreamy to me. Actually maybe just a British or Australian accent, but Orlando fits the bill!)

#2. The Hair (In my opinion, I have a thing for guys' with dark hair, so that makes Orlando all the more appealing.)

#3. The eyes (Piercing, direct, DREAMY...)

I've also read in People magazine that he has the "Best Nose" or the most "sought after nose" or something. I assume they mean his bone structure or people want plastic surgery to get his nose, not that they wish to steal his nose off his face (he wouldn't be quite so good-looking then and I'm sure his fans would be MOST disappointed). I'm sure Orlando's getting to be the celebrity other guys hate for his appeal to girls, but you all just have to learn to get in line for our affections! You have to understand that there's other men in our life despite the slim possibility of every meeting said person(s). Help at all? If not, it was still fun to write! Now I have a question about guys for you: Why are all of you (at least it's all American boys) obsessed with the movies Zoolander, Tommyboy, Super Troopers, or basically anything with Chris Farley in it? It is a very strange phenomenon. Is this true in the U.K. and if so why?

**Mirficus**- I'm glad you love the story! I feel like a dolt at the moment because when I first read your review I was like, "What does she mean by 'Vicky, Vicky, Vicky!'? Is that her name?" Idiot me. Ron of course.

**Fire-icecat**- Lovely penname. I like people bowing to my craziness!!!

**-----------------**

**Snoggie Snoggie Snog Requests!**

**Draco: _anniePADFOOT _** (Annie: Yes I know you'll never let him or Sirius go!)

**Sirius: _anniePADFOOT _**(Annie: I have no objections to your requests to continue snogging him!!!)

**Harry_: KillerChicken2_**, **_starla9, vietgurl0607 _**(Yes Harry! Lovely adorable Harry! Why don't more people love him?)

**Ron**: **_starla9 _**(I adore ickle Ronniekins!)

**Remus:_ Elladora (_**me you dolts**_), La Conquistadora, fire-icecat _**(NO! HE'S MINE! ALL MINE! Just kidding. Is my obsession starting to rub off on you Conquistadora? I don't Remus has ever been requested except by me! He feels so loved!)

**Ginny**: **_Sonicbunny_** (Don't be too afraid, girls. Sonicbunny's a bloke!!)

As always continue with your requests. Quantity is no problem. Quality on the other hand... I'm told James and Oliver Wood are both excellent snogs and they really need someone after receiving nothing this episode! Lily doesn't mind either! It's for a good cause! Getting me some reviews! Mwa mwa! (Kisses) **E.D.J. **

**P.S. **Whew that was a long authoress' note! I guess that means I'm getting popular! –grins- YAY!

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"Hello and welcome to Crazy Chats!" shouts Elladora, the interviewer and authoress if you've forgotten, as she runs onstage.

As always, all the audience proceeds to rip up, burn, or otherwise maim any other 'realistic' fics in favor of reading Crazy Chats.

"Today we have a very special guest, my friend, the ever crazy La Conquistadora who will now be referred to as Conquistadora because her pen name is too damn long!" shrieks Elladora.

A girl of Elladora's own age skips onstage (surprisingly she is not late for the show) in a thoroughly odd fashion before plopping down on the sofa and proceeding to eat the turkey sandwiches and sour cream and onion crisps/chips that have be provide to prevent an attack of Conquistadora's pickiness.

Elladora clears her throat and looks pointedly at Conquistadora who pouts and stands up.

"Today's guests will be randomly selected by this powerball lottery thingy!" says Elladora with a slight wave of her wand.

A powerball lottery thingy appears out of nowhere and Conquistadora stares at the whirl of balls, fascinated.

Elladora gives Conquistadora a slight kick in the shins and she runs over to the machine.

Conquistadora clears her throat and positions a finger above the button that will shoot a random ball upward. "Out of the three guests that will be appearing today, the first one will be... Neville Longbottom!"

Conquistadora throws the powerball with 'Neville Longbottom' written across it into the crowd and twenty or so girls proceed to fight over it for some strange reason.

"You! Flip her the bird, call her Garfunkel, do something!" shouts Conquistadora, abandoning her duties to watch the fight. She watches for a few moments, tapping her foot impatiently before jumping off the stage into the crowd. She proceeds to knock at least six girls over and the rest of her have that certain fear of Conquistadora so they back off. Conquistadora retrieves the poor dented ball off the ground and proceeds to throw it against all twenty or so girls' heads while shouting, "You are all idiots!"

"Ahemm..."

"Oh right," says Conquistadora, pocketing the powerball and returning to her post at the powerball lottery thingy. "The second guest is... Luna Lovegood!"

Conquistadora thankfully only tries to pin the powerball to the front of her robes and is successful despite the fact that she has neither pin nor anything else pointy for that matter. (We really don't want to see what she'd do with sharp objects do we? I think not.)

"And last, but certainly not least... Sir Lancelot!"

The audience looks confused as to when this particular character appeared in any of the books.

"OH!" says Conquistadora, slapping her forehead. She turns the powerball over. "Actually it's... Ginny Weasley!"

The audience blinks but assumes that this is, as always, typical Crazy Chats humor. (You're catching on aren't you?)

Conquistadora grins and glances around. She notices Elladora is asleep in her purple chair due to the fact that she was partying with the Weird Sisters all night. Conquistadora nudges Elladora, but all she does is turn over and mutter something about "electric-blue gumdrops". Conquistadora proceeds to drag Elladora off the sofa by her ankles and smack her upside the head with.... A HERRING! (giggle, snort, giggle, snort)

"I'm awake!" shrieks Elladora, throwing the slimy fish back at Conquistadora who wisely ducks to avoid a face full of fish guts.

"You should have invited me to that Weird Sisters premiere party, but nooooo... you insisted that I babysat Grawpie!" snaps Conquistadora.

"But Voldie and Frank were both busy!" whines Elladora.

Conquistadora promptly drops her herring and her face becomes furious looking. "Voldie? Not my ex-boyfriend who stomped on my heart and fed it to his damn snake, Voldie? He's not _here_ is he?"

"Er... no," says Elladora uncomfortably, shaking her head violently at the audience to say nothing. She makes a bunch of violent gestures to show what she'll do to them if they say a word. The gestures involve a lot of hair removal techniques and something about burning tar.

The audience gulps worriedly and wisely remains silent.

"Now how 'bout those guests?" says Elladora nervously, her voice oddly high-pitched. "Would you like to summon them, Conquistadora?"

Conquistadora nods, waves her wand, and Neville, Luna, and Ginny all appear. Ginny and Neville appear in frantic states of confusion while Luna looks oddly serene and calm as if she's always magicked out of school to appear on strange chat shows.

"I know you," says Luna calmly. "You're the girl who's the reason for all the recent disappearances. My father published a report on it by er... Professor Snape, but it's been widely discredited since apparently Snape was half mad when he wrote it. I always believed it though and look where I am now! It was true."

Ginny gapes at Elladora and Conquistadora (hee that rhymes!). "You're the reason my brother Ron keeps having nightmares about pink rabbits and why he keeps shouting for an orange monkey?"

"Not me, just her," says Conquistadora, pointing at Elladora. "She's the mastermind behind it all."

Elladora grins. "Yes, it's all me and now, you, Ginny, have the honor to be whisked away from school to this lovely show!"

"Great," sighs Ginny, slumping down in her chair.

Conquistadora makes a violent gesture at Ginny. "If she says, you're supposed to be honored for this chance, then you _will_ be honored."

"Hey you're catching on to my character threats!" says Elladora, giving Conquistadora a high-five. "Anyway where's our lovely boy who has yet to say anything? Where are you Neville?" she cooes, having seen Neville is no longer in his chair.

Whimpering comes from behind a well-placed rock pile near the back of the set.

"Do you think he's got that fear of La Conquistadora too?" asks Elladora, turning to her friend.

"Not really. I do think we may need to think of a term for the fear of Elladora though," says Conquistadora, standing up.

She goes over to the rock pile and drags Neville out from behind it, ignoring his sobs. Conquistadora using a Securing Charm to tie Neville to a spot on the ground he's cowering on.

"Damn boy, what's your problem?" asks Elladora gruffly, frankly annoyed by Neville's crying.

"I'm scared of...of...lighting equipment," gasps Neville, staring in horror up at the ceiling.

Elladora conjures up a Calming Drought and she and Luna the Believer force it down his throat.

A look of dreamy unconcern appears on Neville's face and he sighs heavily, content for the time being.

"The things kids are afraid of these days," cackles Elladora, climbing into a rocking chair. "I remember in the good old days we didn't even have magical lighting equipment. We just used a pair of toads and..." she trails off, noticing Conquistadora giving her the cut signal. Elladora blushes. "Oh it's not time for an old lady skit, is it?"

Elladora throws her crazy grey wig at Ginny who regards it with general disgust since it seems to be made of some sort of dead animal.

"So Luna, Quibbler getting more successful since that article about Harry?" asks Conquistadora, lazily twirling a mace she's somehow acquired.

"A bit, but people are still skeptical about things they don't see with their own eyes," says Luna, yawning a bit. "But in the end, they'll all realize their idiots for not believing the world is filled with Crumple-Horned..."

Luna slumps forward asleep and a troop of audience members run onstage and picks her up shouting, "GO GO GO!"

They run towards backstage and Elladora bellows, "Security! Code Purple Green! Code Purple Green! Attempted Kidnapping by Someone Other Than the Interviewer and Authoress..."

"Or Her Associate Doctor Piglet!" adds Conquistadora, swinging her mace around and accidentally hitting Ginny in the head. Conquistadora magicks up a stretcher and orders it to fly Ginny to St. Mungo's to examine her new head injury.

Suddenly, Neville's face breaks out in red and gold hair and his face turns horrorstruck. "I'm allergic to Calming Draughts!" he moans. He glances upward. "LIGHTING EQUIPMENT!" He begins shrieking and running around, leaving a trail of red and gold hair in his wake.

While directing a team of security guards led by Grawpie, Elladora nods tiredly at the man behind the camera. He nods back and steps in front of the camera.

"As always your beloved cameraman Voldemort must end the show due to the chaos the show has become. Elladora..."

"VOLDIE?!"

"Oh damn."

An angry Conquistadora appears next to Voldemort, her face livid.

"Hello Conquistadora, er... how are you?" asks Voldemort, nervously tugging at his color.

"She didn't tell me you were here," she growls, glaring at Elladora who promptly slinks into the background to avoid Conquistadora's wrath.

"Well erm... you see..." babbles Voldemort, glancing around looking for a way out.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE I WAS A BETTER EVIL WORLD CONQUERER THAN YOU!" shrieks Conquistadora. "YOU ARSEHOLE!"

She pulls out her wand and stands at the ready.

"Not the wand," moans Voldemort. He reaches into his pocket for his own wand. A look of horror appears on his face. "Where is it? WHERE IS IT?!"

Elladora's voice comes from out of the shadows. "Er... I think I gave it for Grawpie to play with. He er... accidentally broke it. Good luck defending yourself now, Voldes."

"Why you little..." begins Voldemort, advancing towards the area where Elladora is hiding.

Conquistadora steps in front of him. "We weren't finished."

"But I don't have a wand!" whimpers Voldemort. "It's not a fair fight!"

Conquistadora snorts. "We're evil conquerors and you're trying to add fairness to the mix? Do you think I got this high up in the evil world by being _fair_? Get ready to run, you bastard."

She raises her wand and Voldemort quickly starts running for backstage with Conquistadora fast on his heels screaming numerous spells including ones for uncontrollable hair growth and a couple of Trip Jinxes. Conquistadora is heard laughing hysterically as Elladora ventures from her hiding place and steps in front of the camera.

"That's the end of another episode! Hope you enjoyed Conquistadora's lovely appearance! She is currently chasing her ex through the streets of Hogsmeade and is showing no mercy on him. Poor guy. Miss Lovegood has been taken hostage by a group of crazed audience members who are currently being hunted down by Grawpie and his buddies. Mr. Longbottom is either running around somewhere because of his unusual fear of lighting equipment, but perhaps someone has taken pity on him and shipped him to St. Mungo's to get that hair looked at, and Miss Weasley already resides there for her and Conquistadora's mishap with a mace. And your authoress and interviewer? Well she stands in front of you, unharmed. For now..."

-----------------

Whadja think? I hope it fulfilled your wishes for Episode 9! Much craziness! **E.D.J.**

**P.S. **If the divider thingys aren't working I don't know what the problem is. Fanfiction's correction thingy is always mean to me.


	10. Episode 10

**Disclaimer**- If it were mine, would I be so cruel to be writing fanfiction when I should be furiously working on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince? I think not. In conclusion, it's not mine and I apologize to J.K. Rowling for messing her characters up.

**Authoress's Note**- Who updated? _I_ updated! -loud cheer- Who was ready to hurt me? -all readers raise hands- Well you can't because I updated! -sticks out tongue- Anyway the only person who could actually hurt me for not updating would be La Conquistadora...oh damn I'm giving her ideas. Onward! **E.D.J.**

**Thanks for the reviews!**

**Romulan Empress-** Yes thingy... it sounds so much better than simply thing!

**La Conquistadora**- You make me sad that you lost your awesome long drinkin song review. -tears- What does thpt mean? I think you've written that before and I have no idea what it means! (Actually I'm just too lazy to think on what it may stand for. Enlighten me?) I _so_ need to copy down your "Well art is art...and if you mash cranberries like applesauce they taste much more like prunes. Now tell me what you know." quote! I love it!

**anniePADFOOT**- Yes, cameos one time deal. I apologize for the lack of Neville/Luna/Ginny focus in the last chapter, but I was having a bit of a block on thinking of something funny to happen to them. I personally feel Episode 1 is horrible! I wonder how people can read that first and then want to read onward! -shrugs- More reviews for me! You're going to kill Ron and Ginny on your own time. That's -cough- nice I guess.

**Sonicbunny**-I'll just pretend I know what you're taking about with the old-fashioned English preppy sense revial thing. -nods and smiles- Yes the Zoolander-love of stupidity humor thing was basically what I thought. Just checking. I can't wait to see Meet the Faulkers with Ben Stiller! Meet the Parents... GOOD MOVIE! Yeah he was in Starsky & Hutch, but I haven't actually seen the movie, so I wouldn't know which half he played. Yes watch out for poachers and I AM resisting the urge to comment on the blokes being unable to write about emotions thing! LoL. Yep, just master that soul-searching look and I'm yours! Kidding. I'm not sure your girlfriend you mentioned earlier would approve!

**fire-icecat**- Glad you liked the episode!

**p0pptartt-** Yes the Neville-fear of lighting equipment was a wonderful thing that popped into my head. I'll consider the Quidditch captain interviews!

**ThelovelyladyLily**- You are such a devoted reader and reviewer! Thank you! Glad you liked it!

**Jelly/Jenn**- Glad you like the fic! Yes 10,000 points for being Canadian!

**Azure Ocelot**- Most cool name though I don't do character to character snogs/giveaways and I'm also a rather anti-Remus/Sirius Harry Potter fan. Thank you for reviewing.

**Nikki**- Glad you like it!

**Telwyn Dubois**- Yes many people have the fears of La Conquistadora and Elladora. You're not alone! Does your new pen name mean anything?

**Doodlebug**- Glad you like the fic! Lovely randomness with sugar on top is a perfect description of Crazy Chats! I'm a middling Harry/Ginny fan.

**starla9- **Thank you for reviewing.

**Serena van der Woodsen**- Glad you liked the cameo. I want the present!!!!!!

**siriusly137**- Thank you! I'm glad you appreciate my taste in hot fictional characters! Yes the Marauders are gorgeous! Well except Peter of course. Lovely pun for your name. Yes REMUS is the best!!!!

**kudos-to-chaos**- Thanks for reviewing! Give your sister a kick for me. If she asks why, just tell her it's in accordance with the prophecy.

**Professor D.S. Silvers**- Yay you're back! Yes I'm sure Blaisie would be very handsome, mysterious -drools- ash as well. I made you spit icecream out your NOSE? All I can say is WOW. Sorry, cameo was a one-time dealio.

* * *

**SNOG REQUESTS!!**

**Sirius: _anniePADFOOT, Jelly/Jenn, Telwyn Dubois  
_**

**Draco: _anniePADFOOT, Jelly/Jenn  
_**

**Remus: _Elladora D. Jobberknoll, fire-icecat, Jelly/Jenn, siriusly137, Professor D.S. Silvers  
_**

**James: _ThelovelyladyLily, Jelly/Jenn, Telwyn Dubois  
_**

**Ron: _Jelly/Jenn_**

**Fred/George Weasley_: fire-icecat, Doodlebug, kudos-to-chaos _**

**Harry: _Telwyn Dubois, starla9 (_yes it's multiplied by 24 for you)**

Dear Merlin, Remus is popular! -huggles him protectively- Don't be too hard on him, girls! I need him back! **E.D.J.**

**(End Authoress's Note)**

**

* * *

**

"Welcome, welcome, welcome! From all of us to you! We hope you have lots of fun so we can party too! Oy!" sing Elladora and her conga line of slightly tipsy crew members who are dressed in various leftover Muggle Halloween costumes. (**A/N- Yes don't entirely recall all the words of that birthday song, but I believe that's the basic jist with a twist.) **

Random Cast Member #21 shouts, "Whoohoo! PARTY!" Elladora shoots a Stunner at him for no particular reason except that she felt like it.

"CRABBE! GOYLE!" shouts Elladora and the two Slytherins, who have now risen to the heads of the roadie crew, untangle themselves from the conga line and hurry over to Elladora.

"This bores me," says Elladora with a slight yawn. "Leave me be, remove Random Cast Member #21 from the stage, and have Grawp send in the torture victims."

Crabbe and Goyle march the conga line off stage and drag the stiff body of Random Cast Member #21 away. Echoes of "Send in the torture victims!" are heard growing steadily fainter.

Grawp lumbers on stage, ignoring the whimpers and shrieks coming from the two humans struggling against his grip.

"Thank you, Grawpie!" says Elladora sweetly. "Make sure the crew doesn't try to play human chess again. Random Cast Members #14 and #5 were at St. Mungo's for weeks with those rutabagas growing out of their nostrils."

Grawp nods, drops his two victims, and goes off stage.

"Ah, how are we today?" Elladora asks the two victims.

"Actually…" begins victim #1.

"I don't care, Draco," says Elladora, cutting the slimy git off. "You should have known better than to escape Voldie's evil theme park, acquire a small army of winged monkeys, and then attempt to murder me in my dressing room. Not your best work. Now when you tried to kill me with that ice pick, _that_ was creative. I never would have dreamed you'd have yourself shipped in a box from Australia, disguised as the large crate of Billywigs I'd ordered. I have to applaud you on that attempt."

"Hooray," mutters Draco.

"And YOU…" snaps Elladora, whirling on victim #2, "aren't who I wanted to torture. Grawp, are you sure you got the right torture victim?"

Grawp comes on stage and shrugs. He leaves.

"What's your name?" Elladora asks victim #2. "Why are you in my secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided?"

"Er… I'm Arsenius Jigger, the author of _Magical Drafts and Potions_," says the thin, grey-haired man. "You locked me up for twelve weeks because you didn't think my book had enough pictures."

"Ah yes!" says Elladora loftily. "I think I charmed more pictures into my copy of your book, almost…eleven weeks ago. I suppose you may go."

Arsenius Jigger stands up immediately and races off stage, frantic to be free of these crazy people.

"Anyway, I believe we need some guests!" exclaims Elladora, charming the shackles around Draco's wrists to wrap around a piece of lighting equipment near the back of the stage and Vanishes him and the lighting equipment back to the secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided. "_Accio guests!_"

Three pops are heard and Parvati Patil, Lavender Brown, and Hermione Granger appear in various chairs on stage.

"Not you again!" gasps Hermione, clutching her wand protectively. "Harry and Ron have been having nightmares about being tied up by house elves since the last time you took them hostage! This is kidnapping is what it is! I will report you to…"

Elladora waves her wand and performs a Silencing Charm. Hermione quickly removes it will her own wand. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it. Elladora casts the spell again. Hermione removes it.

_Six hours later…_

"Either…take…my wand…or…stop…putting…the charm…on me!" gasps Hermione between getting the spell cast on her and removing the spell.

"If you promise to be good," says Elladora in a singsong voice, not at all fazed by the amount of time the audience and Parvati and Lavender have been waiting.

"Fine," says Hermione flatly, crossing her arms.

"Alright girls," says Elladora primly. "Are you three the only Gryffindor girls in your year or are there students we haven't met yet?"

"Well like we do have like two like other girls who like share like the dormitory with like us," says Parvati, glancing absently at her nails.

"Yeah, but they're like trolls or like something 'cause they like never like are like seen in pubic like EVER!" exclaims Lavender, wide-eyed in horror at the thought. "I would like simply like die if like I couldn't like be seen in like public!"

"Oh dear Merlin," mutter Hermione and Elladora in perfect unison.

"I can't believe you to still believe that crazy Divination bat!" scoffs Hermione. She turns to Elladora. "Trelawney apparently told them that we _do _have two other roommates named Marjorie and Olivia who live with us in spirit, if not physically." She snorts loudly. "The point is, no it's only me stuck with these two."

"How unfortunate," says Elladora dryly.

"That is like so not true!" protests Parvati. "I've like actually like seen Marjorie! She's like totally like invisible unless like your like Inner Eye is like clear!"

"Oh yeah, like I've like seen her too," adds Lavender, nodding.

"Really?" says Elladora, raising an eyebrow. "Brains or brainless? Who do I believe?"

"Oh brains totally," says Parvati excitedly. "We've like got that completely like covered right there. I mean like we both almost like received like almost Ps on like all our O.W.L.s."

Lavender nods. "Our mums were like so proud. All they like managed was like almost Ds."

Elladora suddenly gets a stroke of sheer brilliance and leans over and whispers something in Hermione's ear. Hermione grins wickedly and nods.

"Alright, let's see, where's my notes in accordance with the prophecy?" states Elladora, looking underneath her chair. "I was sure they were here in accordance with the prophecy. Damn in accordance with the prophecy."

Parvati and Lavender shoot puzzles glances at each other.

"Are you sure they aren't there in accordance with the prophecy?" asks Hermione worriedly. "I mean, how will the show go on in accordance with the prophecy?"

"I don't know in accordance with the prophecy!" shouts Elladora dramatically. "I'm ruined in accordance with the prophecy! I'm ruined, I tell you, ruined in accordance with the prophecy!"

She collapses on the floor and sobs hysterically shouting, "in accordance with the prophecy!" after every sob.

"Why are you like talking like that?" asks Lavender.

"Saying what in accordance with the prophecy?" asks Hermione innocently. "Whatever do you mean in accordance with the prophecy?"

"You're both like saying like 'in accordance with like the like pro…'" Parvati pauses and frowns. "I don't like know what like the word is, but I like think it has to like do with like something to do with like that like subject that we like are like obsessed with, like you know?"

She nudges Lavender. "Like definitely," agrees Lavender.

"You know what in accordance with the prophecy?" says Elladora, picking herself up from her dramatic sobbing on the floor scene. "I think those girls you share a dormitory with may be bewitching you into hearing things in accordance with the prophecy."

"Like really?" asks Lavender and Parvati, wide-eyed.

"Of course in accordance with the prophecy," says Hermione, nodding. "We _know_ we're not saying anything strange in accordance with the prophecy."

"Marjorie and like Olivia are like…mean!" sobs Lavender.

"Maybe like Professor like Trelawney can like help us like get them like expelled!" shouts Parvati. "They should like not be like making us think we're like crazy!"

"Of course in accordance with the prophecy," says Elladora soothingly. "Grawp will escort you back to school in accordance with the prophecy."

She snaps her fingers and Grawp appears. Elladora motions to Parvati and Lavender and makes a motion of locking something and throwing away the key. Grawp nods and motions for the two girls to follow him off stage. They do and loud shrieks are heard as the two like girls are like carried off to like totally like annoy Draco and like the other like dungeon inmates.

"Brilliant!" shrieks Hermione. "I get a whole dormitory to myself! Thank you!" Hermione cheers loudly and cartwheels off stage.

"My work here is done," says Elladora. She nods and walks offstage, swinging a polecat in a perfect Hagrid-like fashion.

Voldemort steps in front of the camera. "Yes, we've reached the end of another episode and we've worked through many laughs, tears, and over usages of the words like and in accordance with the prophecy. The like queens are currently near to being Avada Kedavraed in the secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided, the sane Gryffindor girl is currently going insane over the fact that she doesn't have to share a dormitory with a pair of airheads anymore, and your lovely authoress and interviewer has now rejoined the tipsy crew members' conga line backstage. What they are celebrating, I know not though I'd better go join them before they start reminiscing over the speech all us Slytherins receive in our first year, How to Become an Evil Dark Lord in Seven Evil Steps, without me! Until next time!"

* * *

No I'm not a Slytherin! I just employ a lot of them for the show! Come on, you know I'm completely brilliant! Ravenclaw or Gryffindor all the way for me! Anyway hoped you liked it! Thank you for all the reviews and/or snog requests! If I missed anyone, please tell me and I'll be sure to include a response to you in the next episode! Back to the conga line! **E.D.J. **  



	11. Episode 11

**Disclaimer**- I disclaim it all except the bits J.K. Rowling feels I can have. -listens carefully- Damn nothing for Elladora again.

**Authoress's Note**- Who's back?! And you all thought I fell of the face of the earth or something, didn't you? -grins- Hope you like this next installment of Crazy Chats! Oh and HappyAlmost Birthday to my bestest conquerering friend, La Conquistadora! Quotes right before the actual epsiode are for squirtcakes, but anyone who wants a laugh please read them! **E.D.J. **

**P.S.** You should all read the first chapter of my new Rita Skeeter fic, "Clawing My Way to the Top"! It's a brilliant idea if I do say so myself. And I do, I really do.

**Lovely Reviews!**

**p0pptartt- **Thank you for reviewing "Clawing My Way to the Top"! Oh yes I'm glad you liked Parvati and Lavender's "like" thing last episode.

**ThelovelyladyLily**- Don't you wavepointy objects at me! -waves pointy object back- Just kidding. Or am I? Glad you liked in accordance with the prophecy!

**Romulan Empress- **Yes, I love in accordance with the prophecy too. La Conquistadora and I did that for at least a hour or more one night. It was great and everyone looked at us like we were insane. Glad you liked the Like Queens too!

**BlueMoon- **All those lovely adjectives! I love them! I'm glad you like the fic!

**fire-icecat**-BrilliantAND hilarious? -grins smugly-

**acatm**- Glad you like it!

**Trish Shakespeare**- Glad you love the story! I love new readers/reviewers!

**Telwyn Dubois**- Ah "slytheirng" Slytherins. I love it. -grins-

**frifri-** Glad you liked the last episode! It's quite alright if it takes you awhile to read/review.

**Prongs86**- Wow you almost couldn't keep reading you were laughing so hard? That's exactly the reaction I'm hoping to achieve!

**squirtcakes**- Loved the funny sayings! My friends are obsessed with funny quotes too! I love "I'm not quiet, I'm plotting." and "You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!" the most! Hilarious! Here's my funny sayings (from my authoress's page):

I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight!"

"Consciousness- that annoying time between naps."

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer." Douglas Adams

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." W.C. Fields

"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill." Johnny Carson

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend to read it." Groucho Marx

"I suppose it is more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts." G.B. Burgin

"I quite agree with Dr. Nordeau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordeau forgets that all sane people are idiots." Oscar Wilde

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown

"The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows the average man can see much better than he can think." Anonymous

"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist." Aaron Machado

"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams

"I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!" Sam Levenson

"What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?" W.C. Fields

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot." Groucho Marx

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." Groucho Marx

"Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?" Groucho Marx

* * *

**SNOG REQUESTS! (STILL PART OF AUTHORESS'S NOTE!)**

**Remus:** **_fire-icecat, frifri, Elladora D. Jobberknoll_ (frifri, I don't know what you're on about, the actor who's Remus in Harry Potter 3 has a mustache! I don't think he's hot in anyway and someone from Mugglenet said he reminded them of the Duke from Moulin Rouge (it isn't the same guy), but he so totally does look like the Duke! Ah, well to each her own.) **

**James: _ThelovelyladyLily_**

**Fred/George- _BlueMoon, fire-icecat, Trish Shakespeare_**

**FemmeSlashHermione_-BlueMoon_ (Well to each her own!)**

**Draco: _frifri (_two) **

**Ron: _frifri _**

Ah and **_Telwyn Dubois_ **wants to snog all characters except Draco and other "slythering" Slytherins! Ta!** E.D.J.**

**(END AUTHORESS'S NOTE) **

* * *

"Hello and welcome to everyone's favorite show Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters!" shouts Elladora, pumping her fist in the air.

Everyone cheers loudly.

"And who's happy the Chudley Cannons are finally making a comeback?"

Ron Weasley who, for unknown reasons, is sitting (of his own free will mind you) in the audience stands up and cheers. Everyone else stares at him. Ron sputters, turns pink, and hides under his chair, but not without a last bellow of: "GO CANNONS!"

"Alright, today's show is entitled 'Those Guys You Love to Hate'! Let's give a loud hiss for Peter Pettigrew, Draco Malfoy, and our beloved cameraman, Lord Voldemort!"

The audience hisses as well as gasps because, of course, we all learned from Episode Three and the rest of fandom that Mr. Malfoy is just a poor, misunderstood little boy who should be pitied and given to A) Hermione, B) Ginny or C) Harry wrapped up in shiny paper and a large bow. (**A/N- -snorts-)**

"Why won't you leave me alone?" bellows Draco as he is dragged kicking and screaming onstage by Crabbe and Goyle of Elladora's favorite roadie crew.

"Aw… Draco, you know I only torture you out of… well hate," says Elladora with a grin.

"I'm innocent I tell you! Innocent! I was framed!" shouts Peter Pettigrew as he too is dragged onstage. He is small and timid-looking and doesn't look at all like some crazed psycho with an incurable rash. (**A/N- cough, as portrayed by the latest movie)**

Lord Voldemort alone is silent as he walks onstage, escorted by his own team of Hit wizards who still think he may start some sort of rebellion with only a sniveling, weakling rat and a cowardly Death-Eater-in-training at his side.

"So, my lovies," cackles Elladora, watching gleefully as Peter and Draco are forced into chairs borrowed from the Wizengamot courtrooms. The chains snake up their arms and both Draco and Peter whimper pitifully.

"Voldie, I am sorry about this," says Elladora, smiling sadly.

"It's quite alright, Elladora," says Voldemort mildly, eyeing the wand sticking out of one of the Hit Wizards' belts.

"Voldie," warns Elladora. "Remember the last time you played with wands? Grawpie nearly lost an eye."

Grawp lumbers on stage with a large bandage over his left eye, looks pitiful, and then goes back to his game of pick up sticks with Crabbe and Goyle.

"I didn't do anything!" whines Voldemort, looking like a child separated from a particularly scrumptious cookie. "It's just so shiny…"

Elladora waves her wand and hands Voldemort a spoon, which is, in fact, much more shiny than a stick of wood.

"Hey what about…" begins Peter, but he is silenced by a look from Elladora.

Elladora surveys the three 'victims'. "So boys how are you?"

"Well, I'm…" begin Peter and Draco.

"Ah, I believe you misheard me," says Elladora with a cold smile. "Because I certainly wasn't addressing you, the rat, or you, the ferret."

"But, the Dark Lord isn't more than one person!" protests Draco.

"Ah, but I am," says Voldemort mystically. "I am Tom Marvolo Riddle, Lord Voldemort, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Master and the Dark Lord. Oh and I also was the voice of little Timmy on the W.W.N. commercial warning children not topractice underage magic. If you really want to count them, I'm about six or seven people contained in one _fabulous _body."

He strikes a pose whilst still sitting and chained up and the audience cheers and whistles.

"Now, questions!" says Elladora, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"So, Mr. Rat, Pettigrew, Wormtail, yada yada yada, what _really _made you betray the Potters?" says Elladora, glaring fiercely at Peter.

"_He_," Peter points at Voldemort, "promised me a lifetime supply of Honeyduke's chocolate if I joined up, which, by the way, I still haven't received yet!"

"Well, I'm supposed to be in hiding, aren't I?" says Voldemort, exasperated. "I can't just waltz into Honeyduke's and demand a lifetime supply of their chocolate, can I? All they'd do is run around and scream and then, when it gets to be too annoying, I have to kill them to shut them up. I've killed a number of shopkeepers that way. They really are annoying little buggers. I'm going to have to get one of the roadies to start doing my grocery shopping."

"I feel neglected!" whines Draco, straining against his chains.

"Get over it!" shrieks Elladora, waving her wand and turning his face a stunning shade of purple.

Lucius Malfoy suddenly appears, still with his lovely braided hair, courtesy of the Lestranges. "You can't talk to my son that way!"

"I'll talk to your son anyway I feel like!" snaps Elladora, raising her wand.

Lucius reaches for his wand, but discovers he has a large smelly halibut clasped in his hand.

"Trick wand," says Elladora with a grin. "I believe your real wand is being used as a toilet plunger somewhere."

"What?" shrieks Lucius. "HOW COULD YOU? THAT WAND COST ME ONE HUNDERED-TWENTY GOLD GALLEONS! IT WAS ENGRAVED WITH THE MALFOY FAMILY CREST AND EVERYTHING!"

"I take 'em as they come to me, Lucy," says Elladora with a yawn. "Hit wizards! This slimeball bores me. Send him to Greenland please." (**A/N- Nothing against Greenland! It was the first place that popped into my head!)**

At this, the Hit wizards, march over, wands raised, and repeating "Send him to Greenland." They all mutter something consisting of the words "treacle" and "marzipan candy" and Lucius disappears with a pop and a burst of acidic bubbles.

"You know Draco, your father is nearly as tiresome as you are," mutters Elladora, stretching her arms above her head.

"Good." Draco smirks.

"On second thought, Hit wizards, send the mini slimeball to Greenland too."

The Hit wizards march over and pick up Draco's chair, muttering, "Send the mini slimeball to Greenland too." They vanish Draco with a pop and a smaller burst of slightly less acidic bubbles despite Draco's loud protests, insults, and pleas for mercy.

"Wormy, wormy, Wormtail," sings Elladora. "Do you know where you get to go?"

"Honeyduke's?" he murmurs, lips trembling.

"Nope, the-secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided!" squeals Elladora. "Tell all the prisoners I say hello!"

Peter disappears with a pop and a burst of… well; do you really want to know? You do? Don't say I didn't warn you.

Peter disappears with a pop and a burst of rat droppings.

"Voldie?"

"Of course, Elladora. My pleasure," says Voldemort with a grin. He steps in front of the camera. "Well that's the end of another round of Crazy Chats! Draco Malfoy and his father, Lucius, are now attempting to find there way around their new home, GREENLAND! Peter Pettigrew has been locked in the-secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided with the various other prisoners she's condemned down there for eternity or… until she gets bored with torturing." Voldemort turns around to find Elladora chasing Ron Weasley across the stage while throwing large amounts of Bertie Bott's Beans at the back of his head. "Nope, she's not bored yet. Until next time!"

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Did you like it? I hope it was worth the wait! Luck, love, and any craziness I can spare! **E.D.J. **


	12. Episode 12

**Disclaimer**- Harry Potter, I do not own thee and I never will! Woe is me!

**Authoress's Note**- Dearie, it's been a bit, eh-blushes- Busy, busy, and lazy is what I am! Apologies! With a hope to appease anyone who wishes to maim me, EpisodeTwelve is up and ready for reviewing! **E.D.J.**

**Thanks for the gorgeously wonderful, splendid, splendid reviews!**

**fire-icecat-** Ah I hadno idea Rita Mae Brown wasan author! I'll have to check her out some time-chokes- The guy who places Professor Lupin looks like Hitler? He kinda does! That's just too creepy for words! Glad you liked the chapter!

**Romulan Empress**- Yuck! Slytherins are your favorites! We won't go into a whole rant by me-grins- Scum! That's all I'll say.I'm glad you liked He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in the last chapter!

**Telwyn Dubois**- Yes your review is quite insane. Lovely little song/poem there by the way. I'm glad you liked Rita's story even if you didn't review it! Glad you liked the Greenland bit as well!

**Trish Shakespeare**- I'm glad you liked it and I'll try to get some more questions if I can work them in!

**Serena van der Woodsen**- Yay glad you liked the Greenland bit! Random country that came to mind! Ah the 'update soon'! The scarring! The pain! It burns-rolls on the ground writhering-stands up, brushes self off, and breathes rapidly- Alright I'm good, I'm good.

**zumanity57- **I'm glad you liked the randomness!

**ThelovelyladyLily**- I'm glad you liked the Greenland bit as well! And poo, I didn't think of how I'll keep track of Draco there. I suppose a powerful Summoning Charm might get him back in a jiff if I feel the need to torture him.

**Harry Lvr- **I'm glad you like it and I suppose this fic does take some time to get used since -cough- there's a bit of randomness now and then. Alright a lot of randomness-grins-

**M.E.R Lupin**- You read your sister's diary? Bad M.E.R Lupin! Wellif it give you something to compareCrazy Chats to...I'm glad you liked Grawp break dancing off stage! Hee hee!

**vixen black**- Lovely little "run Ronney run" bit. Hee hee.

* * *

**Requests For De Snog**

**Fred/George- _fire-icecat, Trish Shakespeare_**

**Remus- _fire-icecat, Elladora D. Jobberknoll, Harry Lvr_**

**Oliver Wood- _fire-icecat_**

**Harry- _Harry Lvr_**

**James- _Harry Lvr_**

**Sirius- _vixen black_**

And again **_Telwyn Dubois_** wishes to snog everyone except for, in her own words, "those slimy, slythering Slytherins. And of course, the short, pitiful, whiny coward w/ the incurable rash, pimples, and overbite." And to end with the words of Jimmy Buffett: "Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!" **E.D.J.**

* * *

"Let's hear it for Crazy Chats!" shouts Elladora, waving her hands in the air. 

Blinding light fills the large room and the audience members hop to their feet after spending a month or so twiddling their thumbs in the dark.

"Now," says Elladora primly, smoothing her robes as she lounges onher brand-new, imperial-looking armchair, "where are our guests?"

A loud string of curses erupts from near the ceiling. Everyone looks up to see former Gryffindor Quidditch captain, Angelina Johnson, dangling upside downfrom liberal amounts of strawberry-flavored chewing gum.

"Peeves!" scolds Elladora. "I told you to show her to the guest lounge!"

With a loud cackle, Peeves zooms out from backstage and floats lazily above the interviewer's head. "Must have misheard you," he says innocently, stifling a chuckle.

"Of course you 'misheard' me," says Elladora, rolling her eyes. "Now out of my sight, you bloody miscreant."

"Language, language," says Peeves in a singsong voice. "Won't go anywhere when you use that tone."

"I heard Random Crew Members #32 and #6 are planning some… redecoration in Voldie's dressing room," Elladora whispers, making sure the man behind the camera can't hear anything. "Something you'd be interested in helping with, Peeves?"

Peeves's eyes glimmer mischievously. "Perhaps… am I allowed to use chewing gum?"

"If I say no, you'll use it anyhow," says Elladora with a slight yawn.

"True," says Peeves before zooming off again.

Elladora glances up at the ceiling again. "Dear me, dear me, Angelina, you're in quite a pickle, aren't you?"

"Get me down," says Angelina through clenched teeth. "I will kill that poltergeist if it's the last thing I do."

"Now, I won't do anything if you use that tone with me, Angie," says Elladora lightly, sounding eerily similar toPeeves. "But, given that I am in dire need of guests on the show, I'll get you down."

With a wave of her wand and a lovely Severing Charm, the strands of strawberry-flavored chewing gum stuck to the ceiling snap, and Angelina plummets through the air with a strangled shriek. Elladora conjures up a Cushioning Charm, but, unfortunately, she is about six feet too far to the right, and Angelina smashes into the stage with a sickening crack.

"Ooh that's gotta hurt," says Elladora in a sport's announcer voice. "We may need to call some Healers out here! Healers, get out here!"

A troop of white-robed wizards who look suspiciously like members of Elladora's roadie crew hurry on stage and begin prodding at Angelina's unconscious form and muttering to themselves.

Elladora pulls a surgeon's mask out of thin air and strides over to the group surrounding Angelina. "Cracked vertebrae?" she asks.

"Well erm… well you see… erm…" stutters Random Crew Member/Healer #19, terrified by Elladora's cold, determined stare.

Elladora grabs Random Crew Member/Healer #19 and shakes him violently. "Damn it, man, we're losing precious time!" (**A/N-** **Borrowed that from Friends, but I'm sure they've said it somewhere else as well. –shrugs- I disclaim it all.)**

"Yes, cracked vertebrae, miss!" squeaks Random Crew Member/Healer #19 before falling down ina dead faint out of sheer fear.

"Random Crew Member/Healer #190?" asks Elladora and Random Crew Member/Healer #190 rushes to her side and salutes. "Please remove Random Crew Member/Healer #19's pathetic, sorry body from the stage and then you'll be required to take over his job. Go."

"Already gone and removing his pathetic, sorry body!" shouts Random Crew Member/Healer #190, hurrying over to Random Crew Member/Healer #19's pathetic, sorry body and struggling to drag it backstage. He struggles for a few minutes before Random Crew Member/Healer #28 takes pity on him and reminds of the lovely ways a wand can come in handy when wanting to remove a body in order to keep the wrath of one's employer off one's self.

Once Random Crew Member/Healer #190 returns, Elladora stretches her arms above her head. "Alright, boys. Let's get cracking. Cue the dramatic, tension-filled music, Grawpie."

Dramatic, tension-filled music with a slight polka edge begins wafting through the studio, and the audience sits on the edge of its seats in order to see everything in Crazy Chat's first ever in-studio Healing. Incidentally, it's also Elladora's first ever Healing as well. In fact, she's had no medical training whatsoever, magical or otherwise.

"Pickax," says Elladora dramatically, holding out her hand. She receives it instantly and sets to work.

The work continues in a similar fashion for quite some time.

"Pliers."

"Wrench."

"Lighter fluid."

"Glue."

"Spare hippogriff brain."

"Spork."

"Phoenix feather."

"Mooncalf dung."

"Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans."

"Stapler."

"That pickax again."

"Monocle."

Finally, with a dramatic, tension-filled pause, Elladora breathes, "Wand." She is handed her wand and, with a deep breath, she begins murmuring spells. After a few moments, with a convenient crash of lightning, she shrieks, "IT LIVES!"

All the crew members/Healers step back as Angelina slowly sits up and yawns. "What happened?" she mutters. Her eyes widen as she catches sight of Elladora. "YOU!" she shrieks.

"Ella-dora," says Elladora slowly as if she is speaking to a small child. "Now, would ickle Angie like to come answers a few eensy weensy questions?"

"No, ickle Angie would not like to-" Angelina stops and glares at Elladora who shrugs innocently. "I want to go back to school!"

"I'm afraid that's not possible," says Elladora sweetly, and, with a snap of her magic fingers, a crowd of crew members, who now are no longer going to be referred to as 'Healers' because of course Elladora did everything in the process of getting Angelina almost back to normal, surround her.

"You can't keep me here!" shouts Angelina furiously. "I have my-" She pauses and digs in her pockets. Her face turns pale. "Where's my wand?"

"Oh this?" asks Elladora with a slight smirk, twirling a slim pale wand between her fingers. "I only confiscated it for safety precautions. You'll get it back. Eventually. All you have to do is let me interview you."

"Fine?" says Angelina flatly, pulling herself up on a lime-green sofa. "What do you want to know?"

"Oh, but we haven't gotten the rest of our guests here yet!" says Elladora, pouting slightly. "GRAWP?"

Grawp lumbers on stage with Alicia Spinnet and Katie Bell on his shoulders. He gently sets them down and goes back to help 'redecorate' Voldie's dressing room.

"THAT-WAS-BRILLIANT!" says Katie breathlessly. "WE-JUST-RODE-A-GIANT!"

"They're not at all as scary as everyone says they are," adds Alicia as she and Katie sit down next to Angelina. "He was really nice."

"Just wait until he's helping Peeves hang you from the ceiling from a load of chewing gum," says Angelina sullenly.

Elladora grins. "Now, girls," she says, clearing her throat. "What it's like being on the best Quidditch team Gryffindor's had in years?"

"Well, we all know it's because of Harry," says Alicia generously. "Our last Seeker was _horrible_."

"Oh Merlin, he really was!" says Angelina, nodding and coming out of her sulky mood. "I don't think he caught the Snitch once, not even at practice."

"Angelina, I know you've graduated and all, but if you were still captain what would you do if your Keeper and Seeker happened to come back from Hogsmeade severely emotionally scarred?" asks Elladora. "Hypothetically of course."

Angelina squints narrowly at her. "I knew I'd heard of you before! Rumors have been flying around that Harry Potter and Ron Weasley have gone mad babbling about some witch who keeps kidnapping them!"

"Guilty," says Elladora, raising a hand and not looking particularly guilty at all. "Entertainment is what people want. Am I right?"

The audience roars and cheers wildly.

"You're really the reason why so many of Harry Potter characters are thought to be going mad?" asks Katie, eyes wide. "Is that going to happen to us?"

"Most likely," says Elladora, looking at her nails. "Now this is getting a little boring, innit? Why don't we take the craziness up a few levels, alright?"

Ron Weasley, who looks to be tied upwith a number of two-headed snakes, hops on stage screaming, "NO! DON'T UP THE CRAZINESS LEVEL! NO!"

Elladora stuns him with her wand, and Ron falls to the ground, rigid. The three Gryffindor girls stare at her, terrified. Elladora gives them a dazzling smile and holds up her wand. All three girls gulp and take off in different directions.

"Oh dear, who do I maim first?" says Elladora thoughtfully, chewing the end of her wand and, consequentially, sending a beam of gold light at Alicia's back. Alicia promptly disappears and is replaced by a bright yellow Kneazle. The Kneazle hisses and walks off stage in search of Peter Pettigrew in his Animagus form to chase/eat/ or preferably wipe from the face of the earth.

"One down," says Elladora, her face alive with pleasure. "Now, Katie!" With a wave of her wand, Katie is instantly stopped from attempting to scale the studio's back wall and is trapped in a large gilt cage complete with a large canary who used to be Blaise Zabini for company.

"One to go," Elladora smiles sinisterly and turns to find Angelina brandishing a large piece of lighting equipment above the interviewer's head. "Oh, we can't have assassination attempts, can we?" Elladora shakes her finger at Angelina, and, with a flick of her wand, freezes Angelina in place. "Naughty, naughty canon characters. Need to teach them a lesson, don't we, precious?" Elladora rubs a lock of Remus's hair between her fingers and cackles. "Now, remember we did indeed place a lovely little spell on her when we healed her, didn't we?" With a wave of her wand, Angelina unfreezes but her eyes are droopy and unfocused.

"You listen to me!" says Elladora, excitedly hopping up and down. "Destroy anything in the studio, and, then, rebuild it newer and better than before!"

"Yes, Mistress," mumbles Angelina, promptly whirling and smashing her piece of lighting equipment into the nearest wall.

"I'm off, Voldie!" yells Elladora. She skips offstage.

Lord Voldemort steps in front of the camera. "We've reached the end of another episode of what's becoming the classic fanfiction, Crazy Chats with the Harry Potter Characters! Do you need a recap? You don't? Well, you get it anyway! It's what I'm paid to do! Wait _am_ I getting paid for this? Anyhow, Alicia Spinnet has been turned to a lovely shade of yellow Kneazle and is lying in wait for Peter Pettigrew. You're in for a lovely surprise when you wake up, Wormtail! Katie Bell has been trapped inside a cage with Blaise Zabini who still happens to be a canary! Guess those Canary Creams take longer to wear off with Elladora's special ingredient added! Last, but certainly not least, former Quidditch captain, Angelina Johnson, has been turned into a sort of zombie under Elladora's control and is now wreaking havoc on the studio! Watch out for the lighting equipment, folks! It's painful! And why the hell has everyone been whispering about my dressing room? I have an inkling feeling I'm going to be in a rather foul mood when I find out. Until next time! Dark Lord out!" (**A/N- Yes, yes, American Idol. Don't own that!)**

* * *

So how did you all like it? Care to send to me a little review-gestures furiously- I need a reward for my wonderfully mad and random efforts! **E.D.J.**


	13. Episode 13

**Disclaimer- **The insanity's mine. Do you really think Harry Potter is this mad?

**Authoress's Note- **My it's been about two months, hasn't it? (wringes hands) Sincere apologies but no excuses. I have decided that I have to stop waiting for some crazy inspiration to come to me; it's much quicker if I simply sit and type whatever comes to mind! Heh. Enjoy! **E.D.J**

**(1)**Borrowed from Friends**  
**

**Wonderful Reviews! Thanks for being so patient!  
**

**ThelovelyladyLily**- I'm glad you liked the random Healing items and Peeves and chewing gum! Heh heh. Actually I believe J.K. Rowling DOES say Crookshanks is Half-Kneazle. I'd scrounge around her site, but I'm almost 99.9 percent positive!

**Trish Shakespeare-** And what pray tell is so wrong with me being silly? Just kidding; I'm fine with you asking for interviewyness.

**Romulan Empress- **I'm glad you liked the chapter!

**Serena van der Woodsen**- (hurts Serena for her little 'three word review' joke) Yeah I got it and was just kind of: "Gee thanks, Serena. Appreciate how much time you put into it." I'm glad you like Peeves and Voldie as a cameraman! Seriously I have absolutely NO idea where that came from. It just popped into my head, and I went with it!

**fire-icecat- **Brilliantly hilarious eh? Thanks! I hope you haven't died from lack of Crazy Chats! I have only two or three chapters left of one my other stories so hopefully I'll be able to update more frequently when that's done!

**frifri**- Thank you. I love being evil! Strange hill-billyness... (looks slightly afraid)

**Auramistealia- **I'm glad you like the fic!

* * *

**Requests de la Snog**

**Fred/George- _Trish Shakespeare_**

**Oliver- _fire-icecat_**

**Remus- _fire-icecat, Elladora D. Jobberknoll_**

**Ron_- frifri_**

**Harry- _frifri_**

**Draco_- frifri_**

Oh the characters weep for lack of snogging! (sighs) **E.D.J.**  
**  
**

* * *

Elladora's voice resonates throughout the room. "It's Crazy Chats! The place we're everyone acts…" 

"Crazy!" responds the audience, as if they do this every episode when in fact it is quite a brand new addition.

Elladora materializes out of thin air (only Merlin knows how; she bloody well isn't sane enough to Apparate properly) and sits primly in her large, rather imposing, winged armchair.

She sits for a few minutes, gazing around the studio, which unfortunately doesn't look much different after Angelina's 'remodeling'. Just a few decorative holes in the walls. She completely ignores the audience, and hums something that sounds vaguely like "Build Me Up, Buttercup" under her breath until she looks up, her eyes furious.

"Walter!" Elladora barks, and the house elf scurries out from backstage looking as if he's got a rampaging Erumpent on his tail.

"Yes, milady?" he squeaks, a hint of sheer terror in his voice.

Elladora mutters something under her breath about house elves' incompetence at mind reading before finally saying, "I have decided that this episode's guests are much too boring and tiresome to appear in the public eye. Take them to the-secret-dungeon-located-under-the-Hogsmeade-store-Dervish-and-Banges, -which-is-now-guarded-by-the-winged-monkeys-that-Draco-so-thoughtfully-provided to await…"

She pauses for dramatic effect, and the audience leans forward in anticipation. Elladora looks momentarily panicked and searches for an appropriately dramatic ending to her hanging sentence.

"To await… to await… THEIR DOOM!" she finishes.

Silence.

Elladora coughs and Random Crew Member #103 runs on stage with cue cards for the audience. Reading the cue—along with the threatening note below it—the audience gulps and gasps in mock horror at Elladora's rather clichéd and disappointing sentence ending.

Walter the house elf suddenly realizes he is still standing on the stage, so he hurries backstage to do Elladora's bidding, but not without first hitting his head against a piece of lighting equipment as punishment for his delay. Once he is backstage, hurried whispering is heard, then three or more loud shrieks, the scrapping of desperate fingernails, and shouts of: "No! I won't go back to that hell!" "The rats! Oh Merlin, the rats are the size of small elephants!" and some pleading gibberish because the third unknown, rejected guest had already been reduced to a pile of insane Jell-O by merely entering the Crazy Chats studio.

The camera turns back to Elladora, and she grins and primps her hair in the camera lens.

"Now, guests… guests…" she murmurs, twirling her wand absently between her fingers.

It emits a jet of fuchsia sparks, and one of the front row audience members is accidentally turned into a moose with snapdragon flowers woven around his large antlers. Elladora only smiles sympathetically at said front row audience member turned moose then returns to her 'plotting.' The front audience member turned moose shrugs a nice moose shrug, takes a large bite out of the back of his neighbor's seat, and settles back for the rest of the show.

Finally, after a few tense minutes, Random Crew Member #103, still holding up his cue card that says 'Anticipation and/or Horrified-Filled Silence', walks over and discreetly prods Elladora with the tip of his wand.

She whirls around with a snarl, and, sans magic, Random Crew Member #103 is reduced to puddle of button-spotted goop.

"No one interrupts my plotting!" Elladora spats, her eyes glaring menacingly at the button-spotted puddle of goop that is now Random Crew Member #103.

The button-spotted puddle of goop that is now Random Crew Member #103 make a gurgling, sputtering noise and squelches off stage to continue his crew duties to the best of his abilities.

With a sigh of exasperation, a murmuring of "roadies," and a wave of Elladora's wand, Argus Filch, Madam Irma Pince, and a ghostly apparition known as Professor Binns appear onstage.

"Welcome!" says Elladora brightly, grinning toothy at the three members of Hogwarts staff. "Have a seat if you wish."

"Are you really offering me a seat or are you creating some elaborate plot to ruin my library books?" demands Madam Pince, clutching a copy of _Horrid Hexes for Horrid Humans _to her chest protectively.

"I assure you, Madam, I'm only offering you a seat," says Elladora seriously, but then she bites her lip and grins secretively at the audience.

All three guests sit down though Binns hovers a hair above his seat lest he sink through the sofa with his lack of a solid body.

"So, Argus, how's the Kwikspell comin'?" asks Elladora innocently, and the entire audience inhales sharply, filled with glee as they remember the rather entertaining scene from _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets _involving a certain Kwikspell letter opened by a curious second-year.

Mrs. Norris, who has somehow been yanked from prowling Hogwarts along with her master (cats are strange that way), steps out from beneath Filch's armchair, entwines herself around his legs, and hisses menacingly.

Filch's face has since gone a blotchy shade of red and white—a sure sign of wanting to kill someone in anyone's book.

"Argie?" prods Elladora.

He looks on the verge of explosion. "Don't call me Argie! It's Mr. Filch to you, Miss Jobberknoll!"

"The Kwikspell lessons if you will, sir?" says Elladora, ignoring the ask-me-one-more-time-and-I'll-kill-without-a-bleeding-Killing-Curse glare on Filch's face.

"IT WAS A BLOODY WASTE OF MONEY!" snarls Filch, and Mrs. Norris gives a hiss of disapproval at the interviewer and authoress who hisses right back, not to be outdone in the angry hissing department by a _cat_.

"Go on," murmurs Elladora, keeping her eyes fixed on Mrs. Norris, as if wondering whether the horrible cat would taste better fried or roasted over a spit.

"I'd rather not, Miss Jobberknoll," Filch growls.

"But the audience has paid so many Galleons for their tickets…" she simpers, knowing very well that audience gets in free though they must first sign an contract.

_We will now be pausing the show for a moment for a more in depth look at said contract…_

This contract states that Elladora and the Crazy Chats Company are not liable for any injury, disfigurement, hex, jinx, curse, uncontrollable vomiting, fountains of lemonade magically spouting from one's mouth, pointy purple horns, random bursts of show tunes lyrics, or rancid turnips wedged in uncomfortable places that the audience member may acquire. Elladora and Co. are also not reasonable for any deaths that result in the audience member dying and staying dead, dying and returning as a new resident ghost, and/or dying and being reincarnated as Elladora's left shoe. It is entirely the audience member's own fault for choosing to expose themselves to such insanity for an extended period of time. This contract is legal and binding in fourteen states, Guam, Scotland, New Zealand, and every person's happy place.

_We now return back to our regular scheduled programming. Please enjoy the complementary music (your choice) in your head while the authoress struggles to regenerate the almost non-existent plot thread of the story. _

"Filch! If you don't start telling us something juicy about your unfortunate Squibyness this moment, I will be forced to call in security!" roars Elladora.

"He's a Squib, and he's trying to ruin my library books!" interrupts Madam Pince, pointing an accusatory finger at the Hogwarts caretaker. "I just know his little kitty is in on the plot too!"

Elladora whirls on Madam Pince. "And what has made you so paranoid about people not showing the proper amount of respect for your library books?"

"I blame you, Miss Jobberknoll!" the librarian snaps. "I know you're plotting something sinister in that conniving mind of yours! You're…you're" she gasps. "YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK THEIR BINDINGS, AREN'T YOU!"

The interviewer blinks helplessly at the obviously mad woman and turns to the last remaining guest who has yet to say a word so far.

"Professor Binns," Elladora says cautiously. "Why do you make your class, History of Magic, so incredibly boring?"

"I believe 'incredibly boring' is a bit of an understatement, Miss Jobbinthul," wheezes Professor Binns, and everyone in the room instantly feels drowsy. "I quite prefer the term 'coma-inducing' myself." He grins proudly.

"_Why_?" asks Elladora, crinkling her brow in confusion.

"Well, you see my old friend Professor Spitz at Durmstrang and I had a bit of a bet some twenty years ago to see who could be the most boring teacher at a wizarding school. Obviously I won." The ghostly old man puffs up his chest proudly. "I was so entertained by seeing the students reduce themselves to unconscious lumps that I've continued on with it."

"I see," says Elladora, grinning slightly at the fact that one of the Hogwarts professors enjoys seeing people miserable. "Very intriguing, Professor."

"INTRIGUING, MISS JOBBERKNOLL?" shrieks Madam Pince. "YOU KNOW WHAT'S INTRIGUING? THE FACT THAT I'M ON TO YOU! YOU PUT ON THE INNOCENT FACE, BUT I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO TO MY BOOKS!" **(1)**

Elladora slowly grins. "Well, I guess you caught me, Madam," she says, putting a hand to her heart.

Suddenly, a stack of library books plops into Elladora's lap.

Elladora raises her wand.

"You wouldn't," growls Madam Pince.

"I would."

Elladora murmurs a spell and sets the pile of books on fire.

Madam Pince's screeches fill the air, and she hurries over to mourn the burned books, sobbing, "My babies! My precious babies!"

Elladora turns back to Filch. "Anything else you'd like to say before I decide to have you removed by security for refusing to spill your secrets?"

"Yes, I'd like to say a few things," Filch snaps. He steps in front of the camera and opens his mouth.

The camera goes black.

_All further statements by Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, have been omitted due to excessive vulgarity. We feel these statements do not reflect the show in the best light, and, seeing as we can omitt them, we obviously will to keep our image nice and shiny! Elladora and Company would also like to state, for the record, that the roadie crew prefers to be referred to as 'a troop of minions at the interviewer and authoress's beckon call' rather than 'a group of brainless thugs who are daft enough to listen to that mad horror of a girl.' Thank you.  
_

The camera flickers back to life, and we see Filch being gagged and handcuffed and dragged away by Elladora's security team. Mrs. Norris is taken to be roasted over a spit at the authoress's request. Professor Binns has started a lengthy lecture on the goblin rebellions, causing half the audience to fall into a mind-numbing stupor. Madam Pince is still sobbing over the pile of smoking library books, muttering curses under her breath.

Elladora sits serenely among the chaos and smiles before skipping offstage.

Lord Voldemort, Cameraman Extraordinare, steps in front of the camera, a menacing look on his face. "That's the end of another insanity-filled episode, folks! As you can see, I'm not too happy about the little dressing room 'redecoration' of last episode. Carebears and pink fluffy clouds just don't say 'Evil Dark Lord'! Anyway… Argus Filch is now being dragged back to Hogwarts, and the plan is to lock the old bat in a broom cupboard with Peeves! Mrs. Norris is currently fighting Walter the house elf's attempts to roast her, but I'm sure he'll get 'er in the end! Anybody want a piece when she's nice and crispy? Madam Pince has once again gone into hysterics; she's accusing one of the armchairs of wanting to tear out book pages. Oh Merlin… And obviously our authoress and interviewer is off wreaking havoc among society! Remember to avoid ruining into lightposts when you can, Elladora! Goodbye and G'night!"

* * *

What'd ya'll think? It's past midnight right now so Elladora must get off the computer before her eyeballs dry up... **E.D.J.**  



End file.
